[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement ..... it was a mortar attack.

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied, "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

'THEY CALL IT BRIDGE'
A Cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment she replied, 'Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.' They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say 'Lay down and let's see what you got.' Another man said 'I got strength, but not much length.' And then another man said to a lady, 'Take your hand off my trick.' I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, 'You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one good raise'. Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.. And, two ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.' Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

DOG FOR SALE :




A man was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.

The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked.


"Yep," the Lab replied.

After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies; and
now I'm just retired."

The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner replied.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of
the yard."

[TFPRDO Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TFPRDO]

Man watching football game on tv flicked channels at half time and found a couple being very amourous and getting it on. He said to his wife, I don't know whether to watch this or the game. Wife says, "for God's sake watch this, you already know how to play football".

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Making a Baby..

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.
After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,
her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for
more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can
get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.Smith fainted.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

English weather

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

[dermie75 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dermie75]

The teacher said: “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history”.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F .. . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Rugby Team, 2011..'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

It's a slow day down in Mamou, Louisiana. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a traveling salesman from Shreveport is driving through town. He stops at the Hotel Cazan and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one in which to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, Bosco, the hotel owner, grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to Boudreaux the butcher.

Boudreaux takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to Trosclair the pig farmer.

Trosclair takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at T-Boy's Farmers Co-op, the local supplier of feed and fuel.

T-Boy, at the Farmer's Co-op, takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, Clarise, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

And Clarise rushes to the hotel to pay off her room bill with Bosco, the hotel owner.

Bosco then places the $100 back on the counter, so the travelling salesman will not suspect anything.

At that moment the salesman comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, my friend, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The older we get....hmmmm

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're
stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh..it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 and on to 80!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.



And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Paddy took his chainsaw back to Bunnings and says to the bloke in red,
"You told me this chainsaw would cut one hundred trees down in a day.
Well yesterday I only managed twenty."
So the bloke gets the chainsaw and pulls the start up cord and it goes 'brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr',
Paddy says "What's that fookin' noise?"

Two Irishman are making letter bombs.
Paddy asks, "Mick, do you think I have put enough explosive in this envelope?"
Mick replies, "Don't know, open it and see."
"But it'll explode." says Paddy.
"Don't be stupid," Mick says, "It's not addressed to you!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Senior on computer
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like NASA Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' ?

So I wrote down:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

[Bajaguy Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Bajaguy]

Ha ha that's funny! My son who is 11 is prob gonna say that to me soon!

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I asked my friend's little daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there,
so I asked her,"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all those poor people on benefits."
Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!"
"That's a worthy goal!" I told her, and continued,
"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that.
You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you over to that homeless chap who hangs out in front of the store. You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work himself and you can just pay him the $25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.