Two old Jewish guys, one 80 and the other 87, are sitting on a park bench one morning.
Sam, the 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
Myron, the 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
Sam says, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home Myron stops at the bakery. As he's looking around, the sales lady asks if he needs any help. He says, "Do you have any rye bread ?" She says, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some? " He says, "I want five loaves."
She says, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
The old guy says, 'I can't believe everybody knows about this s**t but me . . . '
85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
An Irish Fisherman
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing', replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' replied the old man!
I went into
the confessional box after years of being away from the
Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on
tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish
whiskey and
Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a
dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest
came in. I said to him,
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very
long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that
the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to
be."
He replied: " You moron, you're on my
side."
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport.
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
But then he forgets to switch off the intercom, and now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
'Well,' says the captain, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap.... Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner, I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and root her senseless all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first....'
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,
The lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,
but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,
and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat
Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
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