[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Young people have theirs,

now WE Seniors have our own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's




* BFF - Best Friends Funeral




* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair




* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth




* CBM- Covered by Medicare




* SUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens




* DWI- Driving While Incontinent




* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was




* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low




* GHA - Got Heartburn Again




* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor




* * TOT- Texting on Toilet




*





Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT



A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.





When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo
all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but,
mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms, they are too high."





He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'





She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'





He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'





So, Janet decided to give it a try She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ole' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ole' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.





The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.





After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ole' Spot just died'





Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the
doctor and told him what had happened.



The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that feller what run over Ole' Spot never even stopped'.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The British Penny

Just in time to consider before the referendum

The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European
currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is
not to be used after 30 April 2016.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be:"Euronating".

It is hoped that this will bring great relief to everyone. If you have any
questions, just give us a tinkle.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Quickies

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

****************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mum fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our gardener ran away.
************************************************** *******
A women asks a man who is travelling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
************************************************** *******
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
************************************************** *******
Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Irish Interview.

Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin
.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.

You put down, ˜Neither do I".

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.





The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"





"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.





"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.





"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"





"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."





The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?





The man replied, "That's okay. It's very important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf".

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Sparky ('Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds

himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn,

there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Sparky, the Royalty of all Trades"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Sparky ('Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

[Corigator Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Corigator]

This came across my desk this morning -


For those across the Pacific

Message to You From the Queen

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)*

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour, ''labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of Communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler - although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[Corigator Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Corigator]

Maybe, but I am living in Aus

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

When You're Over 60......





I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're ’a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen." I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches but

When you’re over sixty................who cares?



**********

Cowboy:

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier:
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy:
"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re over sixty................who cares?



***********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip but

When you’re over sixty................who cares?



***********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts but

When you’re over sixty................who cares?



***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Cost me a bloody nose but

When you’re over sixty................who cares?



***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a big woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches but

When you’re over sixty................who cares?

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

From:

Subject: WELFARE APPLICATION






























Dear Beloved Prime Minister Of Australia (May Allah always give you the wisdom you need):
.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower came to visit me a number of times and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father became my son-in-law.
.
My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following. Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare and adult social benefits because we all live together?
.
Sincerely yours, Mohammed

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

The prime Minister

David Cameron walked into the National Westminster Bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?


Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"


Cameron: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister!!!"


Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."


Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."


Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."


Cameron: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."


Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Ian Woosnam came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Ian Woosnam he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Ian Woosnam and cashed his cheque.


Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the
tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..


So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister?"


Cameron stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind."
"I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."


Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says “uno, dos….” *poof*…

He disappeared without a tres

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left to resume their trip.



When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.





By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.





All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.






He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.






To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,





While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.






This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week.


You can doYOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care!





I have now done MY part.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Advanced Vet

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a old dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."