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  • Four surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon, from Perth, says, 'I like to see accountants
    on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
    inside is numbered.'

    The second, from Melbourne, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
    electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

    The third surgeon, from Brisbane, says, 'No, I really think librarians
    are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'


    But the fourth surgeon, from Canberra, shut them all up when
    he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on
    .There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..

    ...........plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.'
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

    Comment


    • Husband Store

      Husband Store

      A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

      You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

      So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

      Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

      She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

      Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

      'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

      So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

      Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

      'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

      She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

      'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

      Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

      She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to thesixth floor, where the sign reads:

      Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

      PLEASE NOTE:

      To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

      The first floor haswives that love sex.

      The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

      The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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      Comment


      • I purchased a burger-combo at Burger King for $4.45. The counter girl took my $5 bill as I was digging for my change when I pulled 45 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding 50 cents and 5 cents, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me one dollar, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried… Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:

        1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)

        A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

        2. Teaching Math In 1970s

        A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

        3. Teaching Math In 1980s

        A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No.

        4. Teaching Math In 1990s

        A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

        5. Teaching Math In 2000s

        A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

        6. Teaching Math In 2014
        Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

        ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.
        Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

        Comment


        • What do you call an Indian Test Cricketer with 100 runs next to his name of the scoreboard?
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .

          A Bowler

          Cheers Andrew
          [COLOR="#FF0000"]So Long and Thanks for all the Fish![/COLOR]

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          [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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          • Very timely 👍
            They are useless today


            Sent from my iPhone using Crapatalk
            Cheers
            Blake

            04 Silver Diesel GXL with lots of stuff
            [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

            Comment


            • Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
              As soon as the Associate Priest left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
              When he arrived at the first tee, he was alone; after all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
              At about this same time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
              The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
              Just then, Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
              St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
              The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
              Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

              Comment


              • FLAWLESS MALE THINKING

                Critical Thinking At Its Best!

                Woman:
                Do you drink beer?
                Man: Yes

                Woman
                How many beers a day?

                Man:
                Usually about 3

                Woman:
                How much do you pay per beer?

                Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

                (This is where it gets scary !)

                Woman:
                And how long have you been drinking?

                Man:
                About 20 years, I suppose

                Woman:
                So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

                In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

                Man:
                Correct

                Woman:
                If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
                20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

                Man:
                Correct

                Woman:
                Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

                Man:
                Do you drink beer?

                Woman:
                No

                Man:
                Where's your Ferrari?
                2011 Prado 150 SX T/D Auto - Glacier White, with many extras.
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                • Female Medical Exam
                  During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

                  The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

                  "No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"
                  Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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                  • FOR ALL THOSE WHO LOVE THEIR GARDENS

                    HOW STUPID ARE WE MUNDANE EARTHLINGS

                    You will chuckle as you read this ..... Because as stupid as it may sound,
                    this is exactly what we do!

                    GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
                    Frank, .. You know all about gardens and nature. What in
                    the world is going on down there on the planet? What
                    happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff
                    I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden
                    plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
                    drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
                    long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and
                    flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
                    colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

                    St. FRANCIS:
                    It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
                    They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
                    great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

                    GOD:
                    Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
                    attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod
                    worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these
                    Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
                    and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing
                    grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

                    GOD:
                    The spring rains and warm weather probably make
                    grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
                    cut it-sometimes twice a week.

                    GOD:
                    They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?


                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

                    GOD:
                    They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

                    GOD:
                    Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so
                    it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off
                    and pay to throw it away?

                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    Yes, Sir.

                    GOD:
                    These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
                    when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
                    That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.


                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
                    stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay
                    more money to water it, so they can continue to mow
                    it and pay to get rid of it.

                    GOD:
                    What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
                    That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
                    The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
                    and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to
                    the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture
                    in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a
                    natural cycle of life.


                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
                    drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they
                    rake them into great piles and pay to have them
                    hauled away.

                    GOD:
                    No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and
                    tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
                    something which they call mulch. They haul it home
                    and spread it around in place of the leaves.

                    GOD:
                    And where do they get this mulch?

                    ST. FRANCIS:
                    They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

                    GOD:
                    Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
                    St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie
                    have you scheduled for us tonight?


                    ST. CATHERINE:
                    'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

                    GOD:
                    Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story
                    from St. Francis.
                    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                    Comment


                    • An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Aussie were discussing "screams of
                      passion" . . .

                      The Italian said:
                      "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
                      virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."

                      The Frenchman said:
                      "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
                      aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

                      The Aussie said:
                      That's nothing! Last night I massaged my missus all over her body with a special Emu Oil. I caressed her entire body with the oil and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

                      The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! that's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

                      The Aussie replied:
                      "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
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                      • A similiar and much cleaner version of the 'I made her rise off the bed/hit the roof' joke!
                        Cheers
                        Micheal.

                        2008 GXL D4D Auto. GOING... GOING... GONE
                        2015 GXL 1GD Auto. And it begins again...

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                        • A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.

                          She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes
                          but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

                          After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
                          one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
                          "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get
                          a pair of shoes for free".
                          The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
                          give it a try"!

                          The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

                          Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side
                          of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing
                          waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand.

                          Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.
                          With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto
                          the slimy banks of the river.

                          Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
                          The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

                          The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back. -

                          Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,
                          she shouts out.........

                          " S**T! S**T! S**T! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
                          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                          Comment


                          • Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.

                            One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."

                            The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

                            "Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

                            "Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... New York, L.A, Vegas..."

                            "Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

                            "So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.

                            "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
                            Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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                            • Click image for larger version

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                              [SIZE=2]120 GXL D4D Auto, with a 'List of Wants' greater than the 'List of Needs' greater than the 'List of Haves'
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                              • PILLOW TALK:

                                "Oh I say Queenie, isn't it jolly dashed decent of that colonial chappie to give me a knighthood?"
                                "Oh yes rather Philly. Isn't he the chap the Orstralians say is a badger smuggler. It makes one think why on earth would one want to smuggle a badger?"
                                "Oh yes Queenie - it does sound a frightful bore. The dashed thing is that we will have to give him a title in return."
                                "I know Philly - we can make him a knight of the order of the Royal Brown Nose."
                                "A jolly capital idea Queenie - we can dub him...
                                'Sir Pository'."
                                "Oh that is super Philly - I am slightly amused."
                                Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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