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  • Do you know why they call it PMS? --------




    Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken ! lol, heehaa!

    Comment


    • The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn
      Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

      Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
      married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
      their vows are exchanged?


      Finally, the riddle is solved.


      A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
      When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
      the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
      singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
      where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:




      Aisle, altar, and hymn.




      She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
      perceptions:




      Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.




      And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
      complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

      'I'll alter him!’

      HERE ENDETH THE LESSON
      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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      • TIME FOR A BIT OF HUMOUR










        Two blokes living in outback Australia saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.


        They applied and were flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty. She says: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen”.





        After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you do not have knobbly knees, so I need to see your knees as well”.


        Once she has seen their knees she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape so I just need to see your testimonials”.





        Five years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other “I reckon if we had just had a bit more education, we could have got that job”.
        Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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        • Thanksgiving Day is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore.

          --

          One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs" replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well" replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day". "Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?" "Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them".



          The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear" said the Queen "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that". "It's quite understandable" said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse".

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          • "Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient".
            "Okay then" said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
            In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
            Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
            Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry" she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.
            Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" Bob replied.

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            • A World Health Organisation (WHO) study shows that eating ham and salami while drinking a glass of good wine at each meal reduces the risk of becoming an Islamic terrorist by exactly 100%.
              Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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              • A friend went to Coles to pick up a Cabbage and Lettuce for the missus. When he got to the checkout, the attendant said he couldn't but the Cabbage by itself and he had to also purchase mayonnaise and carrot. My friend tried to argue but was told it's Coles Law.

                He questioned this Law pointing our the fact that he also had a Lettuce with him, but the attendant simply replied, "It's just Cos".
                [B][SIZE=4]ntp
                [/SIZE][/B][COLOR=#000040][B][SIZE=1]Love the Outback............. Love my Prado.[/SIZE][/B][/COLOR]
                [I][SIZE=1][URL="http://i520.photobucket.com/albums/w328/ntpryce/Picture23.png"]My Prado[/URL][/SIZE][/I], [I][SIZE=1][URL="http://i520.photobucket.com/albums/w328/ntpryce/MyExtras.png"]My Extras[/URL][/SIZE][/I]
                [B]4wdriving First Party[/B][COLOR=#0000ff] - [/COLOR][B][COLOR=#0000ff]dןǝɥ ɹoɟ ןןɐɔ 'sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı[/COLOR][/B]

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                • Heaven


                  Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."


                  God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"


                  He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".:


                  God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.



                  Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"


                  Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."


                  God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.


                  Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"







                  Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
                  Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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                  • Love a good Christmas joke at this time of year.......

                    A young man called Derrick wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present. As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
                    During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to this sweetheart with the following note:
                    Dear Maria,
                    I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
                    These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her.
                    She also told me that her pair rubs on her ring, which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years.
                    I hopethat you will wear them for me on Friday night.
                    All my love
                    Derrick.
                    P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
                    1997 petrol auto, 430 000km. Still going strong.
                    2004 petrol auto, 233 000km. Cracked dash and no help from Toyota!

                    Comment


                    • Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along an Iowa
                      country road one evening when an old dairy cow loomed
                      in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.

                      The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver
                      to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
                      had happened and pay them for the cow.

                      She stayed in the car making phone calls.
                      About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with
                      his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle
                      of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the
                      other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

                      "What happened to you," asked Hillary?

                      "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar,
                      his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters
                      made passionate love to me."


                      "What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

                      The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said,
                      'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.'
                      The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
                      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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                      • For all of you men who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine!

                        Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.

                        As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.

                        With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

                        Resuming the journey, Wayne tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal man.

                        The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.

                        'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.

                        Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

                        The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

                        'A Bloody Good trade...'
                        Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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                        • Guy and girl are on a date.
                          Guy says to the girl "Do you believe in having sex on the first date?....girl says "No".....
                          Guy says " How about on the last date?"

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                          • A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.

                            But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

                            The customer replies, “Well, yes!”

                            The bank robber raises his gun and shoots him.

                            He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,
                            “Did ... You ... See ... Me ... Rob ... This ... Bank? ...

                            The man calmly responds ... “No ... but my Wife did ...”

                            Comment


                            • With a very seductive voice a woman asked her husband,
                              "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
                              "No," said her husband.
                              She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
                              her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
                              silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
                              He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
                              She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
                              "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
                              She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
                              seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
                              crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
                              He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
                              quicker with anticipation.
                              "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
                              He said "No!", trying to hide his arousal.
                              She said ... "Check the garage."

                              Comment


                              • A young married couple likes to play word games with each other.

                                One night, the husband (thinking he'll finally stump his wife) says "OK! I've got it! I'll bet you can't tell me something that will make be both happy and sad at the same time!"

                                The wife thinks for a minute and responds....

                                "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

                                Comment

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