[OT] Jokes page

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms :::: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going & going & going ....

* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good on ya mum (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it

* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together.

The following brands wouldn't sell so well.....

* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year.

* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you

[mjrandom Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close mjrandom]

VW - think small
Sony - make believe
Disneyland - the happiest place on Earth
Yellow Pages - let your fingers do the walking
McDonalds - I'm loving it
Nokia - connecting people
US Army - be all that you can be
Mountain Dew- do the Dew
Burger King - home of the whopper

Love your work SWR.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad," said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over a sofa and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side, and made love to me right there and then."

"They don't like that in Heaven," said God.

The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

This is a very funny joke told by a senior citizen. Please be warned, the elderly lady uses some colourful language, God bless her.

http://youtu.be/l7YvYVJsMeg

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

At the end of the tax year, the ATO sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. ”What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary".

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

FIVE
UNDENIABLE FACTS


A wise person once said.
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the
best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.


2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot
friend on a cold night after a few drinks -
PRICELESS.


3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A
friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's
husband.


4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Hansa,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their
preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


AND


5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study
found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than
the men who mention it.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come
off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and
see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose
comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what
happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Puns for Educated Minds

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Old retired English General was walking down the street with a severe limp dragging his right foot

While coming in the other direction was Old retired Australian Sergent with a sever limp dragging his left foot.

They meet and the English General taps his right leg and says "1968 in Vietnam"

The Australian Sergent replies "Dog !@#$% about 3 metres back"

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Davo was in the English Army back in the 70's with the Irish troubles and was telling me his drill Seargent advised him "If you ever see an Irishman thows a pin at you - run like hell" Now being young and new to the Army he asked why....
"It will usually mean the Irishman has a grenade in his mouth!!"

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you're an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself.

The government says there's no Nursing Home care available for you.

So, what do you do? You opt for Part G.

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun (Part G) and four bullets.

You are allowed to shoot four politicians of your choice. This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, fully equipped gym, clean clothes and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. As an added bonus, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

Now that we've solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

This is even funnier when you realise it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

~Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


Remember, too: It was also a BAD DAY for the jellyfish!

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

Bob entered the Outpatients Department at the local hospital confronted by a Nurse asking what was his problem? He needed reassurance this would be dealt with discreetly.
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, from Portland and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room...

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND."