[OT] Jokes page

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"

We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I was almost a Doctor



When I was young in 1970's, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School



One of the questions asked us was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.



Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.



The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A witty, fairly accurate and strangely informative essay about Australia.
AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of
the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because
of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an
enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs
which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived
in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of
them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of
nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They
settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange
stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged
people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing
to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food,
and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture
they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being
left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended
holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal
surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing
into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be
a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill
just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset
is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's
Own Country"). THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,
that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't
be called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick!

[sweetpea Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close sweetpea]

Interestingly, Douglas Adams claims he isn't the author.

http://www.douglasadams.com/cgi-bin/...ead.cgi?2060,0

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The New 2016 Ford



Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A painter by the name of
Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.








Over a short
number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming
to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their
likenesses.



One
day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and
asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a
request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money
was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.



Not wanting to get
into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to
confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and
Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife
agreed, on one condition.




In a few
minutes he returned.



"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait,
missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all
right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me
brushes."



Got to love the
Irish

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Christmas in Ireland

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

We have all heard this joke - but there was actually a fourth person, The Australian.....

He searched and searched for ages - but could not find anything relating to Xmas, so just gave up and dropped his pants.

Now Saint Peter was gobsmacked and amazed by the BIG size and had to ask what relation was it to Xmas???

The Australian replied "I don't know - but it's a cracker!!!"

(Enjoy Australia Day all PP Member)

Cheers Kim

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Happy New Year!!

Welcome to 2016 - here is the summary of our civilization at the end
of 2015 - this is priceless!!!

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Children – Mannerless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians:- WORTHLESS








I'm scared –Shitless!

But do press on- Regardless.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.


















Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"




Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a holiday in the tropics.
He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.
"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep," explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet,but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"




"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.




Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you, Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"




Two tough old boys were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.
"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar, Murphy, that I don't know whether to believe you or not," called Gallagher.
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be calling me a liar!"




Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
"Pass," came the reply.




Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock."
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes"




Paddy... "If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
"Three?" suggested Shaun.




Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me," said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why, it's whiskey," he spluttered.
"Lord, bless me," said Paddy, "another bloody miracle."




On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head. "No good for me, I'd never be able to keep them."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A very nice little Irish joke









Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.











When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.











The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."











Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin ..











When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."











The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.











Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.











One day he comes in and orders just two pints.











All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.











When he goes back to the bar for the second round the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."











Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!







"Tis me............... I've Quit Drinking!"

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

It seems only fitting to wish a Happy Birthday to Jon on this thread. Cheers.

[spike69 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close spike69]

It seems only fitting to wish a Happy Birthday to Jon on this thread. Cheers.

Yes Jon is the King of Jokes. Happy birthday!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

It seems only fitting to wish a Happy Birthday to Jon on this thread. Cheers.

agreed,

HBTY

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes.

I will post some more jokes soon...


Jon

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

This one may have been posted before. Still good though...



A TRUE STORY FROM... "THE HOUSTON HERALD" HOUSTON , TEXAS

Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn-in, and asked to explain her actions.

The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe.

I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol in my purse hanging on my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol.

The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No Way Punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips." I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and started squeezing the trigger of my pistol.

When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?

The woman replied under oath,



"Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."



The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at work the next day!

That's Gun Control, Texas Style