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  • A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican said
    to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
    what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

    The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

    So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally
    gave in, and tried them on.

    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look
    in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
    violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
    pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

    The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!

    Comment


    • A Rabbi's Matrimonial Advice
      No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

      The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

      They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

      'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

      Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
      The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

      The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

      Comment


      • A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

        Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

        Comment


        • I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
          Finally, a study that makes sense.

          Brains of the elderly slow
          because they know so much.

          Elderly people have so much information in their brain
          that it takes longer for them to access it, scientific
          studies show.

          Older people do not decline mentally with age.
          It just takes them longer to recall facts, because they
          have more information in their brains, research suggests.

          Much like a computer takes longer as the hard drive
          fills up, so humans take longer to access information,
          it has been reported.

          Researcher say this slowing down is not the same
          as cognitive decline.

          "The human brain appears to work slower in old age,"
          said Dr. Michael Ramscar, "but only because so much
          information has been stored there over time.
          Older people simply know more , so selecting a correct
          choice from the trove of stored data may take a bit longer."

          So there!
          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

          Comment


          • The cab fare
            A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
            The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
            The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
            The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you something, lady – I wasn't staring at you like you think; that would not be proper where I come from."
            The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"
            He paused a moment, then told her..."Well, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself, 'Where in the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?’
            Now, that's a REAL Businessman!
            2011 Prado 150 SX T/D Auto - Glacier White, with many extras.
            My Rig Build Up - [url]http://www.pradopoint.com/showthread.php?21609-Bassett-s-150-SX[/url]
            Now living the Dream !!

            Comment


            • *Two Woodpeckers*

              A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


              The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.


              The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
              The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

              The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked
              the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.


              Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker
              was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck
              the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?



              After much woodpecker pondering, they came to the same conclusion.
              Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right when they said,
              "Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home."
              Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

              Comment


              • I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
                My next shit could spell disaster.


                *****************************

                Went out last night and got really wasted.
                I woke up this morning next to a fat ugly old bird who was snoring and farting …

                So, at least I got home OK.

                ****************************

                The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


                ****************************

                Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Warsaw airport.
                "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
                "German," she replies.
                "Occupation?
                "No, just here for a meeting."

                ******************************

                As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams :
                "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
                The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
                "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"


                ******************************

                I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
                Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


                ******************************

                After both suffering from severe depression, the wife and I were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
                Strangely enough however, once she topped herself I started to feel a lot better.

                ******************************

                I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered – the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.

                *******************************

                A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The sergeant doing the interview says:
                "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
                Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says,
                "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
                The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
                "Excellent" says the sergeant. "When can you start?"

                *******************************

                I came home one night and proudly announced to my Dad that I had sex for the first time.
                He said "I hope you took precautions?"
                "What do you mean?" I asked.
                "Did you wear a condom?"
                “Nah, but I kept my balaclava on.”

                ******************************

                "Jesus Loves You."
                Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

                ****************************

                Got caught urinating in the local swimming pool today.
                The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

                *****************************

                I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

                Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
                He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
                Astonished, I got back into bed.
                My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"
                "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said,
                "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."



                [SIZE=1]Cheers Jim.
                [/SIZE][COLOR=#0000cd]
                2009 120 D4D VX auto, pearl white with [COLOR=#0000cd]matching ARB deluxe bar,[/COLOR] 2" lift with [COLOR=#0000cd]OME springs & Nitro shocks,[/COLOR] 9000lb Warn winch, BFG KO A/Ts, Alloy Rhino roof basket, Safari snorkel, 2 x Optima D27F batteries, Voltage booster from Leigh, Jawa [SIZE=1]off-road camper trailer.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

                Comment


                • Well done Pat. I'm gonna reuse some of those, if you don't hear from me again then my wife didn't like them 😝


                  Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
                  Cheers
                  Blake

                  04 Silver Diesel GXL with lots of stuff
                  [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

                  Comment


                  • Don't chance it mate. It's not worth it. Keep them to yourself.
                    [SIZE=1]Cheers Jim.
                    [/SIZE][COLOR=#0000cd]
                    2009 120 D4D VX auto, pearl white with [COLOR=#0000cd]matching ARB deluxe bar,[/COLOR] 2" lift with [COLOR=#0000cd]OME springs & Nitro shocks,[/COLOR] 9000lb Warn winch, BFG KO A/Ts, Alloy Rhino roof basket, Safari snorkel, 2 x Optima D27F batteries, Voltage booster from Leigh, Jawa [SIZE=1]off-road camper trailer.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

                    Comment


                    • 😃 you're probably right


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                      Cheers
                      Blake

                      04 Silver Diesel GXL with lots of stuff
                      [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

                      Comment


                      • What did the kiwi say to the Jew ?

                        Hebrew !


                        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                        2008 120 GX D4D with a few extras
                        Rig build here
                        [url]http://www.pradopoint.com/showthread.php?33115-Mattfunk-s-120[/url]

                        Comment


                        • Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


                          'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD!'

                          Silence followed!

                          Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

                          'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'



                          One Irish passenger yelled...

                          'For f*#&'s sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'
                          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                          Comment


                          • A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be that bright to know the guy is Jewish, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everybody can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, but not for the Jew over there."


                            Soon after the drinks are handed out, the Jew gives a big smile, waves at him then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.


                            This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He who continues to smile and again yells "Thank you !"



                            The Arab asks the bartender
                            "What the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"



                            "Nope" replies the bartender, "he owns the place!"
                            [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

                            Comment


                            • A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down
                              with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
                              He protested but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin,
                              go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

                              So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
                              for about an hour, awakened without pain and decided to go to the party.
                              Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she
                              would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
                              she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
                              cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could,
                              and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

                              His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
                              his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that
                              had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...naturally (since he was
                              her husband).

                              Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
                              So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at
                              midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed
                              wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was
                              sitting up reading when he came in and she asked what kind of a time he had.
                              He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
                              you're not there." "Did you dance much?" "You know, I never even danced one dance.
                              When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den
                              and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to
                              the guy I loaned my costume to.”
                              [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

                              Comment


                              • A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
                                The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '
                                The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
                                The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ...'
                                The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
                                The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '
                                The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
                                The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
                                The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'
                                The bartender says, 'You are now.
                                That was a barbitchyouate.'
                                GROAN........
                                [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

                                Comment

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