[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Directions to Heaven*

/Your smile for the day..... just had to forward this one/


A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "good morning
young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"


The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."


The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."


The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're kidding me, right?
......You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

In the 1960's there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares. Basically stars were asked a question by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not.

But the real power of the show was the one liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer. Some of the best responses are below!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

[Guest Close Guest]

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka.

Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.

[BlakMoth Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close BlakMoth]

That's great Andrew 👌 well done


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[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

[Bushbasher Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Bushbasher]

Spent the night in the casualty ward of Broome hospital with the missus after she had a slip in the bathroom and pulled a muscle in her left thigh. Doctor asked her if she was pregnant. Sorry, I laughed.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

• Do you suffer from shyness?

• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.


Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.



You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.



Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.



Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.




Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.




Warnings:

• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.



• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that

you love them.



• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.



• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster

and better looking than most people.



Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!




Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Spent the night in the casualty ward of Broome hospital with the missus after she had a slip in the bathroom and pulled a muscle in her left thigh. Doctor asked her if she was pregnant. Sorry, I laughed.

I laughed because you laughed. If you sleep diagonally in the dog house it seems roomier.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.



"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"




Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.



She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."



The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

It has been a bit slow around here lately so I have added a couple enjoy....
*
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[clarkie383 Member Find all posts View Profile Close clarkie383]

You've seen the commercials - An erection lasting more than 4
hours.

But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection
lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk
to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was talking to said that she was the only
pharmacist as she and her sister owned the store, and there were no male
employees.

She then asked if she could help me.
I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely
professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be
confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying:
This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every
day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you could give me for it?

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".
When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and
this is the absolute best we can do:

...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed, and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Obsessions...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry.
You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers.
Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the
hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about.
Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
?
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[juc33_prado Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close juc33_prado]

Some jobs we should all aspire too!

Sam





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