[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

[r4ndll Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close r4ndll]

Poor old Schapelle Corby. She's missed out in so much in the last 10 years. Just imagine when she goes to use the Woolies Self-serve checkouts for the first time:

"Unexpected item in the bagging area!"

"Bugger! Not this again!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A student asked his english professor,
“what is the definition of a dilemma?".
The professor said, “well, there's nothing
better than an example, to illustrate that".

"imagine that you are laying in a big bed with
a young, beautiful, naked woman on one side,
and a gay man on the other".
"which one are you going to turn your back on?"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

I've just been diagnosed with CDO, it much like OCD except the letters are in alphabetical order, just the way they should be

Cheers Andrew

[braddo Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close braddo]

Contraception:

[foxclan Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close foxclan]

If you get an email telling you that you can catch "swine flu" from tins of Ham, then delete it.
Its Spam.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It.
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.}
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever')..
(8) Whatever: is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

[foxclan Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close foxclan]

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its
$10.50/min (charges may vary).

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Two old Diggers are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw GEE," says his friend, "and I just joined Rotary"

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

An Italian Romantic Dinner....


A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the man"Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.


The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

> When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,
>'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought to myself, "What a brilliant idea.
>Why don't we have them in the US, Canada, England and Australia?!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have..

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”

She continued, “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry .... how soon can I go home?”

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to a couple of unstable friends....

Done my part!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Sunburn Treatment


A bloke, in Coffs Harbour NSW, fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, mostly to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and in severe pain, the doctor prescribed him continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, “It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs...”

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Voted BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street

Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the ot night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he'only been in there twice in the last four years.

"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".