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  • An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a plane. A steward passes them and offers them an alcoholic drink.

    "Great I'll have a beer please" says the Irishman.

    The steward then turn s to the Muslim man and he says "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whore's than let alcohol pass my lips"

    The Irishman thinks about it for a second and says "I didn't realize that was an option, forget the beer, I'll have what he's having"
    [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

    Comment


    • A man goes to Thailand and picks up a lovely new wife.
      A year later his mate at the golf club asks "How's that lovely wife you
      picked up in Thailand?"
      "She died - rather suddenly"
      "Oh I am sorry - what happened?"



      "Prostate cancer."

      Comment


      • Paddy and Mick found 3 WWII hand grenades while clearing out the shed on the father's farm in the highlands and decided to take them to the police station in town.

        Along the way on the rough track into town Mick turns to Paddy "What if one explodes before we get there?"

        Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
        [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

        Comment


        • Outside help with deciphering. Here's one to get your week off to a good start!


          Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him. Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:

          370HSSV 0773H



          Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down."
          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

          Comment


          • Double post
            Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Jon View Post
              Double post
              Double funny.
              [B][SIZE=4]ntp
              [/SIZE][/B][COLOR=#000040][B][SIZE=1]Love the Outback............. Love my Prado.[/SIZE][/B][/COLOR]
              [I][SIZE=1][URL="http://i520.photobucket.com/albums/w328/ntpryce/Picture23.png"]My Prado[/URL][/SIZE][/I], [I][SIZE=1][URL="http://i520.photobucket.com/albums/w328/ntpryce/MyExtras.png"]My Extras[/URL][/SIZE][/I]
              [B]4wdriving First Party[/B][COLOR=#0000ff] - [/COLOR][B][COLOR=#0000ff]dןǝɥ ɹoɟ ןןɐɔ 'sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı[/COLOR][/B]

              Comment


              • Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST

                element yet known to science!

                AND yes . . . . . it was discovered in Australia

                The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant

                neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic

                mass of 312.

                These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are

                surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

                Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be

                detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.

                A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a

                second to take from four days to four years to complete.

                Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead

                undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy

                neutrons exchange places.

                In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each

                reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

                This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that

                Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This

                hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

                When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an

                element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as

                many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the

                exchange, and no other by-products are produced.





                .
                Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                Comment


                • They obviously have not been looking at the U.S. cause if Trumpium is actually discovered i suspect it will have the support of considerably more morons!
                  1997 petrol auto, 430 000km. Still going strong.
                  2004 petrol auto, 233 000km. Cracked dash and no help from Toyota!

                  Comment


                  • H ow do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.




                    QUESTION:You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
                    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.




                    You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

                    ANSWERS:

                    English Police Officer :

                    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

                    1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

                    2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

                    3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

                    4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

                    5) Am I dressed provocatively?

                    6) Could I run away?

                    7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

                    8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

                    9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

                    10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

                    11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

                    12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

                    13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


                    Australian Police Officer :

                    BANG !

                    American Police Officer :

                    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

                    'Click'...Reload...

                    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


                    Glasgow Police Officer :


                    "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, ....unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
                    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                    Comment


                    • Mathematics:





                      This comes from 2 mathematicians with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
                      It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
                      It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
                      This is a strictly .... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

                      What Makes 100%?

                      What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

                      Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

                      How about achieving 103%?
                      What makes up 100% in life?

                      Here's a little mathematical formula that
                      might help you answer these questions:
                      If:
                      A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

                      Is represented as:
                      1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



                      Then:

                      H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
                      8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

                      And

                      K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
                      11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

                      But ,

                      A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
                      1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

                      And,

                      B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
                      2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

                      AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

                      A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
                      1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

                      So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
                      It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
                      Now you know why some people are where they are!






                      I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula…………..how true this is!!!!!
                      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                      Comment


                      • 1.Law of Mechanical Repair
                        After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


                        2.Law of Gravity
                        Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


                        3.Law of Probability
                        The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


                        4.Law of Random Numbers
                        If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.


                        5.Variation Law
                        If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.


                        6.Law of the Bath
                        When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.


                        7.Law of Close Encounters
                        The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


                        8.Law of the Result
                        When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


                        9.Law of Biomechanics
                        The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


                        10.Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.

                        They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.

                        The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


                        11.The Coffee Law
                        As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


                        12.Murphy's Law of Lockers
                        If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


                        13.Law of Physical Surfaces
                        The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


                        14.Law of Logical Argument
                        Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


                        15.Law of Physical Appearance
                        If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


                        16.Law of Public Speaking
                        A closed mouth gathers no feet!


                        17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
                        As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!


                        18.Doctors' Law
                        If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


                        19.Law of Comparisons
                        Guns are a lot like parachutes, if you need one and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again.
                        Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                        Comment


                        • There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.








                          The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.








                          At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.








                          The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.








                          But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.








                          Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
                          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                          Comment


                          • "Give it to me!" she yelled "I'm so bloody wet! Give it to me now!"






                            She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

                            Comment


                            • A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN





                              To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.





                              In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.


                              Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
                              Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
                              Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.





                              To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:





                              -----------------------
                              1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').





                              ------------------------
                              2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'





                              -------------------
                              3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.





                              -----------------
                              4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.





                              ----------------------
                              5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.





                              ----------------------
                              6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.






                              At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.





                              --------------------
                              7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.





                              -------------------
                              8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.





                              -------------------
                              9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.





                              ---------------------
                              10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.






                              Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.





                              ---------------------
                              11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.






                              Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).





                              ---------------------
                              12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.






                              You will learn cricket and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.





                              --------------------
                              13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.





                              -----------------
                              14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).





                              ---------------
                              15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.





                              God Save the Queen!!!!
                              Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                              Comment


                              • A guy walks into the very crowded neighborhood bar and jumps up on a table, waving a pistol in the air.
                                The bar room goes silent.
                                The man yells, " This here is a Colt model 1911 semi automatic, 45 caliber pistol and it holds eight rounds. I'm here to kill the man that's been sleeping with my wife!"
                                A voice comes from a table in the back of the bar room... " You're gonna need more ammo!"

                                Comment

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