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  • Went to a Muslim birthday party last week. Musical chairs was a bit slow, but buggerme , pass the parcel was quick!!!

    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

    I'm not a racist, racism is crime , and crime is for black people.

    I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said that I had to stop masturbating. When I asked her why she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

    I parked in a disabled space today and the traffic warden shouted, Oi, what's your disability? I said "Tourettes! Now "truck off you munt"!"

    My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day, she looked at me and said "Make love to me like in the movies" So I (insert your imagination here). I guess we don't watch the same movies.

    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him , what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

    A man walks into a petrol station and says, " Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a Kit Kat Chunky and brings it back to him. NO says the man's, "I wanted a normal Kit Kat you fat bitch"

    PS, I know, I know, 2 weeks in the PP sin bin........
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    Comment


    • Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

      This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small .25 cal. pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

      "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....

      The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."
      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

      Comment


      • After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

        Comment


        • Shortest essay ever

          This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Tamworth who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.
          He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Sydney for his imagination and humour… Here it is …

          Shortest Essay:

          An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

          1. Religion
          2. Royalty
          3. Physical Disability
          4. Racism
          5. Homosexuality

          The prize-winner wrote:


          'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged coon is a poofter’.
          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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          • A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
            The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with.
            Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked:
            By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
            Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again!".

            Comment


            • A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

              She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

              Naturally, the guys all agreed.

              Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in atopless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

              With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

              All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

              The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

              The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

              After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

              The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

              The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

              Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

              For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

              When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

              She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

              If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

              The yuppie son jumped at the thought.! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

              The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

              The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

              The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine.?"


              REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME
              Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

              Comment


              • Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious!
                Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her. ​


                She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
                "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!!
                I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

                There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.

                She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

                Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

                Comment


                • An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village
                  and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

                  He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
                  'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

                  Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid
                  Aussie.'

                  Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'


                  Dog: Yeah, doin' all right.'

                  Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

                  Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

                  Dog: 'Yep'

                  Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

                  Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day,
                  feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

                  Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)


                  Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

                  Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

                  Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
                  Horse: 'Cool'

                  Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

                  Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the
                  villager)

                  Horse: 'Yep'

                  Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

                  Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
                  regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed
                  to protect me from the elements.'

                  Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

                  Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

                  Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                  Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                  Comment


                  • Ultimate blonde joke

                    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

                    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

                    'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

                    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

                    'Here it is,' she said.

                    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
                    [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

                    Comment


                    • Tarzan

                      I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan!
                      (I often see Elvis on the checkout but he was on a break)
                      I asked Tarzan how he was going and
                      if he was making any more movies.

                      He told me,
                      "me no longer make movies,
                      me have severe arthritis, both shoulders
                      and not swing from vine to tree".

                      I asked how Jane was doing?
                      He told me,
                      "Jane in bad shape, in nursing home,
                      has Alzheimer's and not recognizes anyone".
                      How sad!

                      I asked about Boy, and he told me
                      "Boy, gone big city, get with bad women,
                      on drugs and alcohol;
                      and only time hear from him, when
                      in trouble or need something".

                      I asked about Cheeta: he beamed and said,
                      "Cheeta do good. Had plastic surgery, now living in The Lodge!



                      I know, something bad is going to happen to me
                      but the devil made me do it.
                      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                      Comment


                      • Life's Demerit System
                        ...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
                        MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
                        Do something she likes, and you get points.
                        Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
                        You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
                        Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
                        Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
                        SIMPLE DUTIES
                        You make the bed. (+1)
                        You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
                        You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
                        You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
                        But return with Beer. (-5)
                        PROTECTIVE DUTIES
                        You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
                        You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
                        You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
                        You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
                        It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)
                        SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
                        You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
                        You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
                        Named Tina (-10)
                        Tina is a dancer. (-20)
                        Tina has breast implants. (-40)
                        HER BIRTHDAY
                        You take her out to dinner. (+2)
                        You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
                        Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
                        And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
                        It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
                        A NIGHT OUT
                        You take her to a movie. (+1)
                        You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
                        You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
                        You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
                        It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
                        You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
                        YOUR PHYSIQUE
                        You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
                        You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
                        You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
                        You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
                        THE BIG QUESTION
                        She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
                        (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
                        You hesitate in responding. (-10)
                        You reply, "Where?" (-35)
                        You give any other response. (-40)
                        COMMUNICATION
                        When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
                        You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
                        You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
                        She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
                        2008 120 D4D GXL Auto, ARB Bar.
                        OME Suspension, GME UHF, Alpine Stereo.
                        Rear Spoiler, Hilux bonnet scoop. Hilux Washer Jets.
                        ....... more to come .......

                        Comment


                        • Men Shed
                          We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.
                          At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel. Here are their experiences:
                          Bill Carruthers, 74
                          We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
                          But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
                          ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Nick Enwright, 86

                          She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
                          “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
                          So I took her to Bunnings.
                          ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Ted Roberts, 79

                          She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
                          ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Tom Entwhistle, 73
                          Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
                          ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Jack Farthing, 78
                          “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
                          “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
                          “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
                          ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          John Hardcastle, 72
                          “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
                          So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
                          -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Colin Horrocks, 65
                          “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
                          “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
                          ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Malcolm Riddock, 75
                          I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
                          -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Allen Cardly, 74
                          “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
                          “I think so,” I gulped.
                          “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
                          ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Humphrey Landsdowne, 56
                          Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
                          “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
                          ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Nicholas Benchley, 53
                          “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
                          “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
                          ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Toby Williams, 60
                          “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
                          “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
                          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                          Comment


                          • DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

                            On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates
                            and suitcases.

                            On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

                            On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
                            dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background
                            music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
                            of spring-water.

                            When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
                            few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
                            curtain rods.

                            He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

                            On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at
                            first all was bliss.

                            Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

                            They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

                            Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

                            Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
                            set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
                            few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
                            carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

                            Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

                            Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they
                            had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
                            half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

                            Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
                            their calls.

                            Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow
                            a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

                            Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told
                            him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that
                            he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his
                            divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

                            Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed
                            on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ...
                            but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

                            He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
                            paperwork.

                            A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
                            the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and
                            just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

                            I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?

                            Comment


                            • A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq is moving down a road when they hear a
                              voice call from behind a sand dune............

                              "One Aussie Soldier is better than ten Isis fighters".

                              The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the sand dune where a
                              gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

                              The voice once again calls out...........

                              "One Aussie Soldier is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".


                              Furious,
                              the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and
                              instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of very fierce
                              battle, again silence.

                              The
                              voice calls out again:

                              "One
                              Aussie Soldier is better than a thousand Isis fighters."


                              The
                              enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other
                              side of the sand dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and
                              cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought......... then
                              silence.

                              Eventually,
                              one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the sand dune and with his
                              dying words tells his commander,

                              "Don't
                              send any more men... it's a trap. There are two of them."
                              Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                              Comment


                              • Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

                                They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

                                The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

                                The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

                                After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."
                                The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

                                The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
                                [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

                                Comment

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