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  • On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
    For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
    How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God saw it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
    "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
    For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
    That's a pretty long time to perform.
    How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God, again saw it was good.
    On the third day, God created the cow and said,
    "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
    For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
    "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years?
    Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
    the ten the monkey gave back,
    and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
    For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
    I'm doing it as a public service.
    If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
    Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

    Comment


    • Shortest Prostate Exam Ever
      During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants ?"




      “Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.
      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

      Comment


      • Australians
        An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing,
        NT, for a shave and a haircut.

        He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because
        his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

        The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and
        tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out
        the skin.

        When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the
        cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what
        would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little
        ball.

        The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like
        everyone else does.
        Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

        Comment


        • Women are better at financial planning

          Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

          When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
          he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

          One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
          he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

          "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
          my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

          Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later,

          she became his stepmother.

          Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
          [SIZE=1]06 Prado GXL,V6 auto BLACK,MT STZ LT265/65/17,toyota sovereign bull bar.Because of Prado Point HAD to get - Lovells springs/Bilstein shocks-50mm lift,ScanGaugeII,Dig Options AVN11TP GPS Unit, Lifestyle rack, Hilux Jets,AMTS 55W HID Black Euro Spotties,AMTS tyre carrier spacer,AMTS radiator bash plate, AJ120 rock sliders,LEDLAD interior lights,AMTS LED sov.bar,AMTS recovery points,safari snorkel and pioneer platform -DAMM YOU PP!![/SIZE]

          Comment


          • Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
            Just like it's cheques.

            My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.

            Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
            The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
            The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
            The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
            When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
            The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
            Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

            Comment


            • A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

              After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

              An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

              After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

              The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

              "What is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."

              Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

              The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,








              "Does she still have the hiccups?"

              Comment


              • A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
                He
                marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
                welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
                of
                the system, getting something for nothing."

                The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
                just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
                chauffeur
                and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
                in
                his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
                "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
                expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
                rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the
                assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
                daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."


                The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

                The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

                Comment


                • Frozen Carburettor Incident:




                  In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

                  For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a Motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.



                  "What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

                  "Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.

                  "Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."

                  "I can't." said the biker.

                  "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburettor as promised.

                  The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

                  A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the Father of the motorbike rider.



                  It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill....." ,,,
                  Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                  Comment


                  • Adam Goodes must be the only black fella in Australia that doesn't like boo's .
                    Now before anybody pulls the racism card . This joke was made up and told to me by a mate who is part indigenous and loves a drink .
                    03 grande v6 , with added stuff that makes it go places . RTFM people !
                    founding member of the " you don't need all that crap on a prado association "
                    "you only use 15% of your brain " Einstein . " so why not burn off the other 85% " Cheech & Chong .
                    petrol , petrol ,petrol , you know it makes sense ! im kavpetrolbitch

                    Comment


                    • A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding
                      through the Afghan desert when he saw something
                      far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward
                      themirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man
                      standing at a small makeshift display rack selling ties.

                      The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

                      The old man replied, "I have no water. Would like to buy a tie?
                      Theyare only $5."

                      The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need
                      such anoverpriced western adornment.
                      I spit on your ties. I need water!"

                      "Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

                      "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny
                      little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

                      "Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
                      If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
                      will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."

                      Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

                      Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,

                      "They won't let me in without a tie..."
                      Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                      Comment


                      • A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

                        Paddy ordered a whiskey.

                        The flight attendant asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

                        He replied in disgust,
                        "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

                        Paddy handed his drink back and said,
                        "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
                        [SIZE=1]Cheers Jim.
                        [/SIZE][COLOR=#0000cd]
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                        Comment


                        • 11 People On A Rope

                          Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter in flight, 10 men and 1 woman.

                          The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave;
                          otherwise they were all going to fall.

                          They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

                          She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she
                          was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,and was
                          use to always making sacrifices with little in return.

                          As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . .
                          PLEASE SEND THIS TO ALL INTELLIGENT WOMEN,

                          and to your men friends for education purposes.
                          Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                          Comment


                          • How the internet began.

                            In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
                            And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
                            And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
                            And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
                            And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
                            Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
                            And the drums rang out and were an immediate success . Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
                            To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew . It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
                            And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung . They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
                            And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land . Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
                            And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
                            And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
                            He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
                            And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators ."
                            "YAHOO," said Abraham.
                            And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
                            Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside . It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
                            That is how it all began.
                            And that's the truth.
                            And I know you believe it because everything ever written on the internet has always been the truth!��
                            Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

                            Comment


                            • I was offered sex today with a 21 year old girl. In exchange I was supposed to promote some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course i declined because I am a person of high moral standards and a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner that now comes in original and lemon scented.
                              [B][COLOR=blue]Bitumen: A blatant waste of taxpayers money![/COLOR][/B]
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                              Comment


                              • When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

                                A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months

                                When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

                                The batteries were given out free of charge.

                                A dentist and manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

                                A will is a dead giveaway.

                                With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

                                A boiled egg is hard to beat.

                                When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

                                Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

                                A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

                                When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

                                Guy who fell on a upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

                                He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

                                When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

                                Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest

                                Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

                                And the cream of the twisted crop:

                                Those who get too big for their pants get exposed in the end.


                                ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN...IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE
                                Sold the Prado. Now FJ Cruiser

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