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MTpockets
03-11-2007, 06:01 PM
Hi all,
Most forums have a sticky for jokes, so to start it off here I have a good joke.
I think the main thing here is to keep jokes CLEAN and politically correct, meaning stick to forum ettiqute.

robn
03-11-2007, 06:09 PM
Hi
A boy asks his dad why women get married in white.The dad replied well son the reason they get married in white is to blend in with rest of the appliances in the kitchen :):)

Rob

MTpockets
03-11-2007, 06:19 PM
An old man had a doctors appointment, and told the doctor that he has a new girlfriend same age as him from the old folks home, but has problems having sex. The doctor asked the couple to make love in front of him so he could pinpoint why they were having problems. The couple agreed and after the first visit, the doctor said you two make love very well and dont seem to have a problem at all. The old man convinced the doctor that he needed to come back and try again. The doctor agreed and the couple came back the next week.After 6 weeks the doctor said I think you guys have your problem solved so why do you need to keep coming back here, you are cured !!!
The old man said, "To be honest Doc, we are not allowed to be in each others room at the home, and a hotel is $100 a night, and if you include a taxi, meal and a drink, it gets expensive" "On the other hand, we come here, you bulk bill, and the home provides the free bus, and at the end of the sex, you tell us we do ok, and help me off, You cant get better than that eh Doc"

Mike
03-11-2007, 08:07 PM
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'surely I can't look that old. Well……

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his Degree, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1965, why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bi *ch asked, "What did you teach?" :shock:

IRON-PAWW
03-11-2007, 08:18 PM
Did you ever wonder why Angels are put on top of Christmas trees? Well, forget what you've heard. It all came about long ago in the North Pole at Santa's toy factory. Christmas was fast approaching and nothing was going right. Santa had just received a truckload of dodgy parts from taiwan that caused all toys made with them to fall apart. Mrs Clause had just burned 10,000 pastries! Rudolph's nose refused to be red. The Elves! The elves were rioting about poor working conditions and were demanding extra pay before they'd go back to work! The factory roof was caving in, Donner and Blitzen were caught in a blizzard, and ..... the freaking sleigh mechanics refused to fix the afterburner on the sled.

Santa was mad! I mean really MAD! He was just about to SCREAM in pure RAGE!........ when this stupid fairy came prancing in holding a Christmas tree and said in the most annoying whine possible "Saaaannntttta, where should I stick this?"

spara
03-11-2007, 08:29 PM
An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Hutch
03-11-2007, 11:06 PM
5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE




Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she! says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information regarding credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: " Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."!

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the! tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Jacto
04-11-2007, 12:37 AM
A man walks into a bar with a spider monkey on his shoulder, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, but I do not allow animals in the bar."
"He is a very well trained monkey. He will be no problem I assure you." the man says.
The bartender agrees to allow the man to stay. After a few beers the monkey all of a sudden jumps off the mans shoulder, runs across the bar and jumps on the pool table. The monkey then grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"I am so sorry, I have never seen him do anything like that before. Here is $20, will that cover the price of the cue ball?" the man says appaled.
"I suppose so, but you are going to have to leave" says the bartender.
The man takes his monkey and leaves.
About a month later the man returns to the bar with the same spider monkey. Before he even sits down the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I remember what happened the last time you came in with that monkey there is no way I am going to allow you back in here with him."
After several minutes of convincing, the bartender finally agrees to give the monkey one more chance.
After about an hour or so the monkey jumps off the mans shoulder and runs down to the peanut bowl. He then proceeds to stick peanuts in his but and then eat them. This goes on for several minutes and finally the bartender goes over to the man and says, "Why is he putting the peanuts in his but before he eats them, that's disgusting."
The man says, "There is no need to worry. Ever since he passed that cue ball, he has been checking everything for size."

Jacto
04-11-2007, 12:46 AM
Here's a little for both partners:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage

Jacto
04-11-2007, 12:54 AM
And here's my last one for the night:

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his resume and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is promptly let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So..how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer?? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way.? I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Jacto
04-11-2007, 12:58 AM
Just couldn't resist another:

God created the mule and told him, You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered, to live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20. And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years. And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting stange. You will be funny and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, Lord to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years. And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years working like a mule and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry, then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting strange to amuse his grandchildren.

And it was so.

spara
04-11-2007, 08:11 PM
Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the pol ice officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to h is wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talkto you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."

Jacto
04-11-2007, 11:04 PM
Three elderly ladies were discussing the trivials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

spara
04-11-2007, 11:32 PM
FORMULA 1 TEAM WORK ??

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. Â This
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change
all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower

spara
04-11-2007, 11:35 PM
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!

Jacto
05-11-2007, 12:00 AM
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning.
Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

spara
05-11-2007, 12:16 AM
Subject: What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Jacto
05-11-2007, 12:45 AM
Politics:

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school, can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the
wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother
is the administrator of money, so we'll call her the
Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call
you the People. We'll call the nanny the Working Class
and your brother we can call the Future.

Do you understand son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the Nanny's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the nanny. The boy's knocking on the door went totally unheeded by his father and the nanny, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
Government is sound asleep, the People are being
completely ignored and the Future is full of crap.

spara
05-11-2007, 07:14 AM
STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies,
"Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what
it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse.

Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old
man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old
rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about
5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and
running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says, "Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral
of this story?

... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little
treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

spara
05-11-2007, 01:03 PM
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" She asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing!", replies the drunk.

MTpockets
05-11-2007, 01:13 PM
WHY PARENTS DRINK

A boss wondered one day why his most valued employee had
not phoned in sick that morning. Having an urgent problem
with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s
home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello.” “Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked.
“Is your mummy there?” “Yes.” “May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home,
the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” “Talking to Daddy and Mummy
and the Fireman.” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
“What is that noise?” “A helicopter.” answered the
whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the
boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again! Whispering, the child answered, “The search team
just landed the helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
“What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..… “ME!”

spara
05-11-2007, 02:12 PM
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in Water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

Chippy
05-11-2007, 03:31 PM
SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Cheers
Chippy

Chuck
05-11-2007, 04:04 PM
BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
for sure....

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I
found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found
to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I forgot to
let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side
of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately this time I was able to hold
tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of
pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of
the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I must have lost my presence of
mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin
its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Chuck
05-11-2007, 04:13 PM
The 23 Rules of Safe Flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival: large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landing you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what these are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

spara
05-11-2007, 04:19 PM
An elderly man,Morris, and woman, Molly, in a retirement home sit on a bench and talk month after month. One day he turns to her and says, 'Molly we sit here an talk month after month would you mind while we are sitting here for you to hod my private.' She says, 'Morris that is OK by me.' For the next couple of months they sit and talk while she holds his private. One day she comes out to talk and can't find Morris. She thinks the worst when all of a sudden she sees him sitting on another bench with a lady who is holding his private. She walks over to him and says, 'Morris, for months we have sat together and talked while I held your private now you are here with her and she is holding your private. What has she got that I don't have.' He says.........
'Parkinsons.'

spara
05-11-2007, 10:56 PM
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'

Jacto
05-11-2007, 11:19 PM
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. I'm too young to die, she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I've had it. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his broad tan chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

spara
05-11-2007, 11:42 PM
SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a

nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of

her nightgown and say "Supersex". She walked up to an

elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she

said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and

finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Jacto
05-11-2007, 11:44 PM
For Bill Gates fans...one person's version of his afterlife:

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Gates.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what you think" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has an opening in it and the girl hasn't!"

"What about the PC?"

"It has Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt, and Delete"

Chippy
05-11-2007, 11:53 PM
A letter to Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way Interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan

Chippy

Chippy
05-11-2007, 11:56 PM
How to know whether or not you are ready for kids

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheque to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

MUSIC TEST
On your expensive CD player and awesome speakers, play Britney Spears and Steps over and over again, very loud. Dance to it while looking happy. Take a good long look at your CD collection. You won't be hearing them for a long, long time.

In the car, play Postman Pat and Silly Songs Collection (for 3 - 6 year olds, Early Learning Centre) tapes for four hours while driving down the M5. Whatever you do don't play what YOU want. Sing along to the music in a traffic jam.

When relaxing and playing your own CDs (rare), suddenly put on a cheapo cassette player in the room playing Aqua's Barbie Girl. Turn off your CD and walk out of the room. Move on to Mess Test II.

MESS TEST II
After spending two hours cleaning the house, put rags and old shoes in the hallway by the front door. Leave pieces of cloth on the stairs in a pleasing random fashion. Pick them all up and put them in a wooden box. Do the same thing everyday for ten years.

BOOK TEST
Spend at least fifty pounds on expensive picture books. Draw in them in indelible pen and leave them in the garden. Make sure it's raining. Smile and tut affectionately to your self.


Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
06-11-2007, 12:03 AM
Some beaut tips ....

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

Cheers
Chippy

MTpockets
06-11-2007, 05:41 PM
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
Enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
Didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
Would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
In the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
To my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held
The can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
Between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and several
Suburbs in Brisbane.

Chuck
06-11-2007, 08:20 PM
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold
another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering
about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!", and silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up, and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much we wear rubbers.

spara
06-11-2007, 09:44 PM
Bed sheets


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

Lacey
06-11-2007, 09:46 PM
CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place .

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going .

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Lacey

spara
06-11-2007, 09:59 PM
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin
and
North-West Continental Shelf
~~~


Our DIPSTICKS Are located in Canberra!!!

Any Questions ??

NO? I didn't Think So.

Jacto
06-11-2007, 11:51 PM
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's
parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in
middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's
hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the
ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It
was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate
would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but
did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On
the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up.
Where's the boat?

spara
06-11-2007, 11:58 PM
The Aisle Seat

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
"That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?"he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

spara
07-11-2007, 12:06 AM
A letter to mum

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was simply addressed "mum"...... with the worst premonition she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope
with my new boyfriend, John because I wanted to avoid a scene with dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice and even though
he is 54, divorced (I think) and on parole, and also with all his body piercing, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes I love him as I have loved no other.
But it's not only the passion mum, I'm pregnant and John said that he will
take care of me and we will be very happy.
He already nearly owns a caravan on the outskirts of Wagga Wagga and has a stack of firewood to see us through the whole of winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my
dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and also for trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime I ask that you pray that science will find a cure for aids
so John can get better; he sure deserves it now with his first baby to me
on the way. Don't worry mum, I'm nearly 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren

Your daughter,

Nikki


P.S. None of the above is true.

I'm next door. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in

life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

I love you.....please call me when it is safe for me to come home .

spara
07-11-2007, 12:18 AM
Differences Between Women And Men

1.NAMES

If Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne go out for lunch, they will call each other Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne.

If Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.


4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

All married men should forget their mistakes. There's no reason for two people remembering the same thing.

Chuck
07-11-2007, 12:44 PM
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

spara
07-11-2007, 01:05 PM
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."- Dr. Seuss


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Chuck
07-11-2007, 01:14 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike, and he can't do either one."

fishnut
07-11-2007, 01:18 PM
A man's wife was continually complaining about having small breasts. Eventually tiring of hearing it, he suggested "Why don't you try rubbing toilet paper between them?"

The wife looking at him, puzzled "What on earth are you talking about? How is toilet paper going to make my breasts bigger?"

The husband replied "Well, it worked for your ar....."

He never got to finish his sentence.

spara
07-11-2007, 02:33 PM
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f---ing blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted

MTpockets
07-11-2007, 04:17 PM
Dad parks his Prado outside a chemist and goes inside with son.

Standing to be served, the young son spots a packet of two condoms on the shelf.

The boys says "Dad...what are they for?"

Dad thinks quick "Ther'e for hilux owners son.....one for friday night...one for saturday night"

The boy points to a packet of FOUR condoms..."What are they for dad?"

"Son ther'e for prado owners....two for friday night...two for saturday night!"

The son is on a roll....points to the big box of twelve condoms...."What about the big box Dad.....whats the big box for?" he asks.

"ahhh.....son...there for Patrol owners...1 for January....1 for February...."

spara
07-11-2007, 05:20 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer
expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars
that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love
this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh! would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. Now
that's a LULU!

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Has that got something to do with "gates"?

spara
07-11-2007, 05:25 PM
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He
was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.

The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Chippy
07-11-2007, 08:33 PM
A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.

He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored.

One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.

"Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area"

"Sounds great" says the ad-man.

"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."

"Sounds awesome" says the ad-man

"we tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"

"I go alright" say the ad-man "this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"

"Doesn't really mattter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......


Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
07-11-2007, 08:37 PM
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" England will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"


Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
07-11-2007, 08:51 PM
The 2007 Aussie Citizenship Test


1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
_____________________________ ______

2. What is a bloody little beauty?
_____________________________ ______

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
_____________________________ ______

4. Explain the following passage:
"In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
_____________________________ _____

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother .......
b) You're going home in the back of a .........
c) Fair crack of the...........
_____________________________ ____

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
_____________________________ _____

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
_____________________________ _____

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
_____________________________ _____

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
_____________________________ _____

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
_____________________________ _____

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
_____________________________ _____

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
_____________________________ _____

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
_____________________________ _____
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
_____________________________ _____

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
_____________________________ _____

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
_____________________________ ____

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
_____________________________ _____

19. Who would you like to crack on to?
_____________________________ _____

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
_____________________________ _____

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_____________________________ ____

22. What does sinkin piss at a mate’s joint and gettin paralised mean?
_____________________________ ____

You may copy your mate’s answers, please submit this back to me when you have had a fair old crack.

The pass rate is 45%

Cheers
Chippy

spara
07-11-2007, 10:11 PM
Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 25 channels 5 minutes.

spara
07-11-2007, 11:11 PM
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money
I gave you?
She said . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . .They already have boyfriends.

She said... What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go
to the fridge.

Chippy
07-11-2007, 11:57 PM
A blonde in Canada wanted to do a spot of ice fishing. So after getting all the right tools together, she headed towards the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the women moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the women moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
She raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''


Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
08-11-2007, 11:58 AM
Why I fired my Secretary


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quite bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...
..
..
..
..
..
..
Naked. :oops: :oops: :oops:


Cheers
Chippy

spara
08-11-2007, 12:55 PM
Chippy
Very good 10/10 i agree best one so far

well done

Chippy
08-11-2007, 02:35 PM
What we'd really like to know was whether this actually happened to you, Chippy!!! :oops: :shock: :D

The only way you'll get an answer to this is to ask my secretary.

Unfortunately she doesn't work here any more. :wink:

Cheers
Chippy

Grandeman
08-11-2007, 02:48 PM
It really puts the "dick" back into "dictation" doesn't it? :D :D :shock:

spara
08-11-2007, 06:42 PM
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added,? "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

"Life is too short and friends are too few."

spara
08-11-2007, 06:48 PM
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?

(Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You're a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?

(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Grandeman
08-11-2007, 07:04 PM
Q: What's big, red & throbbing and looks great between a girl's legs?

A: A Ducati Superbike :D

Grandeman
08-11-2007, 07:05 PM
Q: What do you have when you've got 100 politicans up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand...

Grandeman
08-11-2007, 07:16 PM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony
the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the bloody wall!"

spara
08-11-2007, 07:50 PM
Dating in 1957...


It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy
Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites
Him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says, "That's cool." Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "we know that Peggy Sue really
Likes to screw, why she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he
has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small
wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes
back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her
father:



"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!!!!"

spara
08-11-2007, 07:54 PM
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled.
Just as he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He figured he would have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
couple of old duffel bags."

spara
08-11-2007, 08:00 PM
An example of an effective way to change
peoples behaviours. In this case it was within the School
environment. If you know the cause, new effective solutions can address the problem!!!!!

--------------------------------------

According to a news report, Golden Grove high school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Priceless!

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers....and then there are educators!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chippy
08-11-2007, 08:16 PM
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

Cheers
Chippy

spara
08-11-2007, 09:23 PM
Subject: It's easier!!!
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this
wonderful woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

spara
08-11-2007, 09:30 PM
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

spara
08-11-2007, 10:46 PM
"I know everyone"

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about
Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You
and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise
was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I
know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the
White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his
boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've
known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square
when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye
among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let
me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears in the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure
enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f&*'s
that on the balcony with Colin?"

Chippy
08-11-2007, 10:51 PM
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
08-11-2007, 10:58 PM
Driving to work in heavy stop start traffic I didn't notice that the vehicle
in front of me had come to a stop.

I just touched the rear bumper of the vehicle and was trying my best to apologise when the other driver climbs out of his 4wd.

It was right then that I noticed he was a dwarf .He walked back to my car and knocked on my window,so I rolled down the window only to hear him scream "I'm not f@%#^$g happy!"

So I screamed at him "Well which f@^#%$g one are you then?''

It was all I could think of at the time

Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
08-11-2007, 11:07 PM
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his friend's life, the chicken began to think. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Prado. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend the horse. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny Prado, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's 4WD, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful vehicle, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the Prado back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "Doodle" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story? . . . . . When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Prado to pick up chicks.


Cheers
Chippy

xvprado
08-11-2007, 11:10 PM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you to
come in today. Look, when I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell
her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.
You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon.....Oh. you got nice house, Boss."

spara
08-11-2007, 11:17 PM
Message

Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the classfor an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy'"." No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."The room went silent. No other children volunteered. John searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Howard was
struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right.
And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f****g accident either."

Chippy
08-11-2007, 11:28 PM
http://casas.id.au/pradopoint/laugh_out_loud.jpg

Cheers
Chippy

spara
08-11-2007, 11:37 PM
Choosing a Wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.






Men are like that, you know.

spara
08-11-2007, 11:42 PM
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .whether you're here or not"

spara
08-11-2007, 11:44 PM
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

spara
08-11-2007, 11:46 PM
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew
she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Chippy
08-11-2007, 11:52 PM
10 Things that men know about woman:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
08-11-2007, 11:54 PM
10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

Cheers
Chippy

spara
08-11-2007, 11:56 PM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Chippy
08-11-2007, 11:58 PM
Australian Idiot Thieves
These are supposedly true!

CAMPBELLTOWN - NSW

As a female shopper exited the Campbelltown K-Mart in Queen St, a man grabbed her purse and ran.

A shop assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the thief.

Within minutes the Police had apprehended the snatcher who was trying to mingle in the shopping in the shopping crowd on Queen Street.

They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID, to which he replied "Yes officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from!!"

WOLLONGONG IDIOT

A man walked in to a 7-11 Convenience store and put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.

When the clerk opened the cash register, the man pulled a gun and demanded all the cash in the cash register, which the clerk promptly provided.

The man took the cash and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.

The total amount of the cash that he got from the register was $15

BROOKVALE IDIOT

The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked in to the Brookvale McDonalds at 8.50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because she said that she couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

when the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said that they weren't available until 10.30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer.

Frustrated the thief walked away!!

PORT MACQUARIE IDIOT

When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up on the ground next to the motor home surrounded with spilled sewage.

A Police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking up the hose.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh that he has ever had!!

ADELAIDE IDIOTS

Two men tried to pull the front of an ATM Cash Machine in Adelaide's Henley street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Land Cruiser 4WD.

However instead of pulling the front panel of the ATM they pulled the bumper of their 4WD.

Scared and beginning to attract attention from the oncoming traffic, they left the scene and drove home with the chain still attached to the ATM, their bumper still attached to the chain and you guessed it, their vehicle registration plate still attached to the bumper.

AND NO they did not use a stolen car!!

************************************************** *******************

!!! HELP THEY ARE OUT THERE AND BREEDING !!!

If You Jumped Into These Guys Gene Pool You Would Not Even Get Your Feet Wet!!!

Chippy
09-11-2007, 12:01 AM
What are cats?

Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

Chippy
09-11-2007, 12:04 AM
Handle every situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it.
Piss on it and walk away!

spara
09-11-2007, 12:11 AM
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my
way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the Reverend. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head.







"We're not welcome at "Bunnings" either

spara
09-11-2007, 12:18 AM
ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is
it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you ,"
says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
"Ahmal" The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, whi ch
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him.... A super-calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at
least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun
in ten did.

spara
09-11-2007, 12:23 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh ....










"............Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

jeff s
09-11-2007, 01:53 AM
A pakastani walks into a employment agency to get assesed for a job,
He was not going well.
Last question was to make a sentence including the colours green, pink, and yellow.
He thought for a moment and said "im ready"
"ok" says his assessor.

" the phone goes 'green green, green green' so I 'pink' up the phone and say 'yellow this is Mundjiba'"..!!!
Yep, he got a job in a call centre.

ps. You probably spoke to him the last time you rung Telstra.

jeff s
09-11-2007, 01:56 AM
Medical fact.

There is a nerve that connects the eyes to the anus.
Its called the Anal Optic Nerve.

Don't believe me?
Pull a hair out of your Ar*e and see if it brings a tear to your eyes?

jeff s
09-11-2007, 02:01 AM
Another Medical fact,

You cant lick your own elbow,

And you shouldn't hold farts in?.
They travel up your spine and that's were sh!tty ideas come from........


----------------------------------------

Why don't women fart as much as men?
They talk too much so cant build up the back pressure.........

----------------------------------------

I dont think i offended every1

spara
09-11-2007, 07:29 AM
Brokeback Mountain

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. one was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard
and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra. "Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:










"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

Chippy
09-11-2007, 08:09 AM
Why weren't there any worms on Noah's Ark?

Because worms come in apples, not pairs!

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A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

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My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation.

She replied, "That’s what it is supposed to do."

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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

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Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.

After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a
card.

"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

"This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who do you think that was?" she asked her husband who answered, "That was the Clone Arranger"

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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

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theres two peanuts walking down the road one was asalted.

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A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.

The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."

The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."

"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"

The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."

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A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah;
and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and
three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from
the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our
of my distress and He answered me." and the Lord spoke
to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land."
(Jonah 1:17)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "You can't keep a good man down!"

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When I was a small boy, my grandfather told me I'd grow up to be a pilot.

"You'll pilot here, and you'll pilot there," he said, swinging his arms with a shoveling motion.

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IHOP (International House of Pancakes) is being taken over by the German Air Force. The company will change its name to "Luft Waffle"

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Applebee's is diversifying beyond food service. This fall they will introduce a line of winter-weight woolen clothing. The clothing will be called "Johnny Apple Tweed".

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Sam Clam and Louise Lobster had been best friends since they were children. They remained best friends until they were old. One day Sam Clam died leaving Louise in distress. Louise died soon after.

When Louise the lobster approached the Pearly Gates he asked St. Peter of his friend Sam Clam. St. Peter informed Louise that Sam did not go to heaven, he went to hell.

Louise the Lobster, though incredibly sad, decided to enter the Pearly Gates and into heaven. St. Peter informed him that heaven had a dress code. The Saint gave Louise a robe, a halo, and a harp. Louise entered heaven.

After many years in heaven, Louise started to miss his best friend. He went to St. Peter and asked him if we would be allowed to enter hell and visit Sam. Peter told him that he would be able to under certain conditions. He told Louise that in order to return to Heaven, he would have to come back with his Robe, Halo, and Harp.

Accepting the terms for re-entry, Louise went down to Hell to visit Sam. To his surprise, Sam Clam was running a disco for all the demon's in hell. So Louise went into the disco and met up with his friend.

The two caught up on old times. Louise told Sam about heaven, and Sam told Louise about Hell. After hours of chit-chat, Louise told Sam that he had to return to heaven and said goodbye to his friend.

When Louise got back to the Pearly Gates, he met St. Peter. St. Peter asked him if he was done visiting hell. Louise said, "yes". St. Peter asked if Louise remembered his robe. Louise said, "yes". St. Peter asked him if he remembered his Halo. Louise said "yes". St. Peter asked him if he had his Harp.

Louise looked distraught and told St. Peter, "I left my harp in Sam Clams Disco!"

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When Chris Kirk, 33, went away on a business trip, his friend Luke Trerice, 26, took care of his Olympia, Wash., apartment for him. Kirk arrived back home to find everything in his place was wrapped in aluminum! Everything. The walls, the kitchen cabinets, even the spare change on his bedside table. Rolls of toilet paper were unrolled, wrapped, and rolled back up. "It went surprisingly fast," Trerice said of the project, which took 4,000 square feet of foil. "The toilet was hard. The molding around the doorways took a very long time."

Trerice is "known for large-scale strangeness," Kirk said. How did he react when he first saw his home? "I heard him open the door and gasp," said a neighbor. Then, the inevitable scream:
"Curses! Foiled Again!"

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A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am but was caught by the Chief Petty Officer. Upon hearing the sailor's lame excuse for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!

The sailor picked up the broom, as he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the gull off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. It left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted gull returned. When morning came, the chief petty officer returned to check his wayward sailor's progress.

"What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?"

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
09-11-2007, 08:42 AM
Spooner is alive and well

The acrobats displayed some cunning stunts.

Sir, you are certainly a shining wit.

He fills her soul with hope.

It's the Tale of Two Cities.

Have you brought your sleeping bag?

She is sure pretty.

Have you seen her sick duck?

Oh, the suffering of purgery on my soul!

He's not a pheasant plucker.

She showed me her tool kits.

He's a smart fella.

A hot pie would make me happy.

Fire truck.

Overhead door.

MTpockets
09-11-2007, 01:00 PM
Naughty boy chippy, you pradofile !!!!

Chuck
09-11-2007, 02:38 PM
A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now”, said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees”.
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads indicating “no”.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?”
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool!!!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!”

spara
09-11-2007, 06:01 PM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COMEWORK TODAY!!!'Hung
Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I reallysick. Got headache, stomach ache and
legs hurt, Ino come work.' The boss says,'You know
something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.. When
I feellike this, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everythingbetter and I go to
work. You try that.'Two hours later Hung Chow
callsagain. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I
be at worksoon......... You got nice house.

spara
09-11-2007, 07:11 PM
Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Australian Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an ATO genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

Chuck
09-11-2007, 07:16 PM
Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"62kg," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70kg.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

spara
09-11-2007, 08:42 PM
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 kph over the limit), a

woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic

patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum

stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to

two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from

side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely

stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding Ticket $ 231.00

Point Lost 3

The Look on Cop's Face. -- PRICELESS

spara
09-11-2007, 08:58 PM
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you
ask me one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." (typical LLB ego)

This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet, she agrees
to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is
going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes her up and asks. "Well, so what goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back
to sleep.

plucker
09-11-2007, 09:44 PM
A nun is having a shower when she hears the door bell ring.

Rushing to the door she realises that she has forgotten the towel and water is dripping everywhere. Not wanting to hold the person up she shouts "who is it."

The reply is "it's the blind man from the village."

The nun quickly opens the door and lets him in.


He responds "nice tits, where do you want the blinds."

spara
09-11-2007, 10:34 PM
RECTUM DEODORANT,
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........







"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

spara
09-11-2007, 10:37 PM
Subject: FW: Tarzan and Jane




When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
Him and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he
had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she
said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did
You do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Chippy
09-11-2007, 10:40 PM
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, we don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

spara
09-11-2007, 10:46 PM
Fw: A Virgin Dies

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to
make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the
town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to
make the proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone
that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the
tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's
final request, considering the very limited space available on the small
piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a
postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED"

Chippy
09-11-2007, 10:47 PM
image removed by matt - not appropriate for this forum

jeff s
09-11-2007, 11:22 PM
now I know where to come for my daily groan....
:lol:

spara
10-11-2007, 12:33 AM
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


******

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

******

Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"

************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


*******************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

spara
10-11-2007, 12:37 AM
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



*************************



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Chippy
11-11-2007, 12:30 AM
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up a 7 year old kid, sitting nearby, says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago I would have a seat today."

Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
11-11-2007, 12:35 AM
Three old men were sitting on the porch at the retirement home. The first says, "Guys, I have real problems. I'm 70 years old. Every morning at 7 o'clock I get up and try to pee. All day long I try to pee. They give me all kinds of medicines but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm 80 years old. Every morning at 8 o'clock I get up and try to poo. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of medicines but nothing helps."

Finally, the third old man speaks up. "Guys, I'm 90 years old. Every morning at 7 o'clock I pee. Every morning at 8 o'clock I poo. And every morning, bang on 9 o'clock, I wake up."

Cheers
Chippy

Chippy
11-11-2007, 12:38 AM
Senior citizens at a retirement home are exchanging notes on their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure tablets make me dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, its not all that bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."

Cheers
Chippy

spara
11-11-2007, 05:57 PM
Gotta Love Old Men

Overheard at Chadstone the other day by a customer
eating at the food Court and he noticed an old man watching a teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

spara
11-11-2007, 06:07 PM
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are Asleep.
Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.
"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies," I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
And potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
Insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day today.
What does it tell you, Batman?"



Batman is silent for a moment, and then speaks:



"Robin, you #@#@#& idiot, it tells me someone has stolen our tent."

spara
11-11-2007, 06:44 PM
The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this..........
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
But they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
Road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a Bill
for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. "The best Entertainers from New York,
Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows,"complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.


No matter what Amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But
We didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.


The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he
says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with
my wife."
But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have

spara
11-11-2007, 07:13 PM
HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey,
this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all
the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F***IN' DEAD!

spara
11-11-2007, 11:28 PM
the crossroads






A little boy, about six years old, was walking down a dirt road
after church one Sunday when he came to a crossroad where he met a
little girl coming from another direction. "Hello," said the little boy.

Hi," replied the little girl. "
Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I'm on my way home from church," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm on my way home from church.

Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Lutheran church down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"


"I go to the Catholic church at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discovered that they were both going the same way so they decided
to walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains
had partially flooded the road. There was no way that they could pass
without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom will tan my hide if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the
little boy.

"I know what I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my
clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same
thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting their clothes wet. As they stood there in the sun waiting to

drip dry before putting their clothes back on, the little boy finally

remarked, "You know, I never realized how much difference there

is between a Lutheran and a Catholic."

Chippy
12-11-2007, 12:48 PM
http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb188/Ch1ppy_photo/Junk/oldladys.jpg


It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.



Cheers
Chippy

spara
12-11-2007, 07:57 PM
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

spara
12-11-2007, 08:07 PM
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme
park.

What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster


Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away
they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars
epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed onto the bed exhausted . He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed .


I meant my dress size, you ****ing idiot"


The moral of this story : Even when a man is
listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Chippy
12-11-2007, 08:13 PM
WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need... = I want.

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like



MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins

14.Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay



Cheers
Chippy

spara
12-11-2007, 10:53 PM
The real story of the 3 bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE @!#$*@! PORRIDGE YET !!

MTpockets
12-11-2007, 11:22 PM
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her

purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat

says,"Well! That's great..........that's really great.......... some

ar*ehole's got my pen."

Jacto
13-11-2007, 12:06 AM
Bill and Tom

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'

'No,' says the nurse,
'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated’

Jacto
13-11-2007, 12:08 AM
They Have computers here now

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his Mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing You then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

spara
13-11-2007, 12:10 PM
Subject: BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months....box said '2-4 years!'

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ...power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911.....'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button
on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

spara
13-11-2007, 11:21 PM
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES


1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
.................................................. .................................................. .......
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k . If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

spara
13-11-2007, 11:29 PM
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
thinking. "Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first
person to tell me who said that quote,can have Monday off" said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be That is the
question," asked the teacher. Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the
class called out, "Shakespeare". "Well done!" said the teacher, "You can
have Monday off "No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in
our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying
hard," said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. "Well okay," said the teacher.

The next quote is, "I had a dream!" Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front
yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!" "Well done!" said the
teacher. "You can have Monday off" "No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese
oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to
us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,"
said little Fri Sum Kat. "Okay," said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "****ing > Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone. "Pauline Hanson!"
yelled little Johnny."Seeya Tuesday!!!!

spara
13-11-2007, 11:31 PM
-THE BLONDE PAINTER

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as
stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she
gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife
lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He
goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her
leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on
the paint can and it said . . .









You'll love this . . .









Yep... I know you will . . .











"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

spara
13-11-2007, 11:56 PM
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
Want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
Crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"


FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

MTpockets
14-11-2007, 08:01 AM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted bythe smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

MTpockets
14-11-2007, 08:03 AM
A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the Age Pension.


The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to
Verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later." he said.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
She processed his Age Pension application.

When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
Experience at the Centrelink office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants.

You might have got the Disability Pension, too."

MTpockets
14-11-2007, 08:05 AM
This is weird, but interesting!


fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

MTpockets
14-11-2007, 08:09 AM
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was
one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and
some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one
corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his
arm outstretched. " STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got
a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and
pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and
away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV
lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and
shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her
handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold
nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the fi nal
corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and
holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. " Oh, good grief," yelled
Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

spara
14-11-2007, 10:23 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/zoo.jpg

spara
14-11-2007, 10:24 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/croak.jpg

spara
14-11-2007, 10:25 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/doctor.jpg

Chippy
14-11-2007, 10:29 PM
http://www.crazy-jokes.com/pictures/thought.jpg

Cheers
Chippy

spara
14-11-2007, 10:43 PM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California )staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

•To lie about why your child is absent- Press 1 *

• To make excuses for why your child did not do his work-Press 2 *

• To complain about what we do - Press 3 *

•To swear at staff members - Press 4 *

•To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 *

• If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 *

• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone-Press 7 *

• To request another>>>teacher, for the third time this year-Press 8 *

• To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 *

• To complain about school lunches - Press 0 *

• If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

•If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country

spara
15-11-2007, 07:06 AM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/ebaydog.jpg

Jon
15-11-2007, 04:05 PM
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old
Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly
how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it,
you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop
your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact
age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they
couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple
of times and to jump up and down several times. Then
they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old
gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all
three old ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at
your birthday party yesterday

spara
15-11-2007, 07:08 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/spermbank.jpg

spara
15-11-2007, 07:09 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/gotcha.jpg

spara
15-11-2007, 11:19 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them in the bedroom,
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She
puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already. After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything
let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this
time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - " I sold them to a friend of mine for a $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your
friend like that".
"That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

the boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're
in my f...... cupboard now"!!

spara
15-11-2007, 11:24 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/flys.jpg

spara
15-11-2007, 11:27 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/kissmy.jpg

spara
15-11-2007, 11:29 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/bedding.jpg

Jon
20-11-2007, 07:01 PM
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman prepares the salad, vegetables and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on the tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the BBQ, beer in hand.
4. The women remain outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone, where the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can take place without the interference of the women.
5. The MAN places the meat on the grill.
6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beer while he flips the meat.
8. The MAN takes the meat off the BBQ and hands it to the woman.
9. The woman preopares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
10. After eaing, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
11. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks him for his cooking effort.
12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off'. Upon seeing her reaction, cocludes that there is just no pleasing some women!

Just*Managing
20-11-2007, 08:31 PM
I don't get it. Why is just stating the way things are (and should be) funny :)

jeff s
21-11-2007, 12:10 AM
Question from a recent UK survey:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answer:
20% YES
10% NO
70% معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

jeff s
21-11-2007, 12:11 AM
Please Pay Attention!!!!



First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."



To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.



"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,



"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Chippy
21-11-2007, 07:47 AM
http://casas.id.au/pradopoint/laugh_out_loud.jpg

Chuck
21-11-2007, 03:56 PM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
Garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50mph
So I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
Discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, brewed 2 cups of coffee, quietly
Undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my
Wife's' back,
Now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out
There is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out Fishing in that stuff?"

spara
21-11-2007, 10:55 PM
Have you seen the new twin CAM ute








http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/twincam.jpg

spara
21-11-2007, 11:58 PM
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and tried to ask him the following questions to get some
case background:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say. Polish Remover!!!

spara
22-11-2007, 12:10 AM
One rainy spring night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Milton Road", answered the woman.

"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?”

"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?


Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

spara
22-11-2007, 12:18 AM
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFCULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!!


Specificity
Anti-constitutionalistically
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!!!


Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex!
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you’re not really my type!
MacDonalds? No thanks, I’m not hungry!
Good evening Officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
I’m not interested in fighting you.
Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in the parking lot or on the side of the road.
I must be going home now, I have to go to work in the morning

jeff s
22-11-2007, 12:13 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
What'd you buy?'

jeff s
22-11-2007, 12:17 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U33Xg91HAlo

:roll:

spara
23-11-2007, 11:12 AM
Dumb frog!!

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of livefrogs. The sign
says:'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! The
blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified .
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog
to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the
paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the
pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right
over.'Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . looking very concerned,
picks up the frog, stares'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE .. TIME!!!'

spara
23-11-2007, 11:15 AM
Thought for the day:

Handle every situation like a dog ......



If you can't Eat it or Screw it.

Piss on it and Walk Away

spara
23-11-2007, 11:21 AM
How Latex Gloves Are Made
A Dentist noticed that his next patient, a very elderly lady,
was looking very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't." she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
You gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

Chuck
25-11-2007, 10:22 PM
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his
money.


He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education
is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will
teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."


"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll
get him in the course."


So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.


About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.


"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."


"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
that program?"


"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So
he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.


"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in
the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street
Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"


The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

jeff s
27-11-2007, 02:35 PM
SYDNEY --
A public school teacher was arrested today at Sydney
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Ruddock said he believes
the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying weapons
of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ruddock said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to
every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, John Howard said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would havegiven us more fingers and toes."

Aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
profound statement by the Prime Minister.

spara
27-11-2007, 11:10 PM
Subject: ATR Button




While in a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise
not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by
letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it
is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis
is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

spara
29-11-2007, 09:24 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the perly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins

spara
30-11-2007, 06:54 AM
Santa from an engineering point-of-view....

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world.

However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or
Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload
for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the
Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to
108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in
each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,
Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump
down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.


Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth ( which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times
the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa
himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds.

Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa
would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance.

This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy
per second each.

In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his
trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from
a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

It just goes to show you, you should never let any engineer explain
anything Happy, fantastic, or traditional to you, like Santa, the Tooth
Fairy or Easter Bunny............

Oh, by the way......................................Merry Christmas

spara
30-11-2007, 06:50 PM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"



The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"



The man turned to his wife and said:



"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

plucker
30-11-2007, 10:42 PM
It all started in a quiet little pub where a few people were having a quiet beer.
The first was an Irishman who noticed when approaching the bar that there was a man sitting opposite that looked like Jesus enjoying a pint or 2.
He politely asks the barman if it is indeed the man and the barman confirms his beliefs.
The Irishman orders a pint of Guiness for Jesus and recieves a thankful nod of appreciation when the beer is delivered.
Soon after a German man approaches the bar and notices the same person and naturally orders him a Heineken which like the Irishman is acknowledged with a thankful nod.
Behind the German in the line is an Aussie who doesn't notice Jesus until served and also insists on buying him a beer, but of course it has to be a VB.
Jesus nods to the Aussie in recognition like the other 2 gents.
As the night progresses, the German, Irishman and Aussie are all chatting merrily away when Jesus approaches.
First of all he thanks the Irishman for the fine pint of Guiness and shakes his hand. Upon releasing his hand the Irishman says "Its amazing, my arthritis that has crippled me for years is gone."
Next Jesus shakes the hand of the German and thanks him for the Heineken and upon releasing his hand the german states that his migrain from the last 10 years is now cured.
Jesus holds his hand out to the Aussie, but the Aussie refuses to shake his hand.
Instead the Aussie steps in close to Jesus and whispers, keep ya bloody hands to yourself, I'm on workers comp.

joey
01-12-2007, 08:09 AM
Q: why did the walruss go to the tupperware party???


A: he was looking for a tight seal.....
:oops: :lol: :twisted:

spara
02-12-2007, 01:36 PM
9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five Minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*&! YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to # 3.

spara
02-12-2007, 01:53 PM
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much
money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and
replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's

spara
07-12-2007, 09:35 PM
Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! Me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

spara
07-12-2007, 09:44 PM
Subject: Fw: Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods


Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career >>going?
Stevie replies, "Not too bad, how's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."
Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger in astonishment say, "You play golf?"
Stevie replies, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods looks at him and says, "But you're blind.
How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Steve answers, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well, says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and then I just play the ball
toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie replies, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie Wonder answers, "Well, people don't take me
seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $25,000 a hole."
Tiger Woods thinks about and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

samo
07-12-2007, 10:38 PM
litte johnny is at the zoo with his mum and his grandma when he turns to his mum and says mum i need to go for a wee, johnny mum says would you like me to take you to the toilet, johnny says no mum i want grandma to take me her hand shakes more

Chippy
10-12-2007, 10:07 AM
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, " where have you been? "

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example, Nth America will be a place
of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked,"what's that?"

"Ah", said God. "That's Western Australia, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"



God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wally's I'm putting on the East Coast"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Chippy

Grandeman
10-12-2007, 10:20 AM
Only someone from the Wild West could have come up with that one... :lol:

MTpockets
10-12-2007, 12:25 PM
I thought the same thing GM :lol: :lol: :lol:

Chippy
10-12-2007, 01:51 PM
I was just worried about putting it in the "Jokes" section ....

... it reads like a factual report :lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Wild West Chippy

Grandeman
10-12-2007, 01:58 PM
... it reads like a factual report :lol: :lol: :lol:
Crikeys Chippy,

Just excuse me, while I choke... :shock: :shock: :lol: :D :lol:

mototrim
10-12-2007, 02:14 PM
Top stuff Chippy :lol: :lol: :lol:

Chippy
10-12-2007, 07:34 PM
Its all about balance ! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Chippy

Jon
12-12-2007, 10:35 PM
Why do women wear panties?














Because it is an OH&S regulation that manholes must be covered when not in use.......

Chippy
12-12-2007, 10:40 PM
Why do blondes wear panties ????



To keep their ankles warm. :lol:

Grandeman
14-12-2007, 08:48 AM
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: Keep the tip... :shock: :shock: :shock:

spara
14-12-2007, 08:56 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her badge that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it is okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back offie.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 for a holiday and he wants to use this as collateral. And she holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says ..."It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

samo
14-12-2007, 09:03 PM
little johnny is walkin down the beach with his dad, when he sees a used condom lying on the sand, he turns and says to his dad whats that? johnnys dad replies thats a biscuit johnny. Johnnys dad walks on further down the beach and johnny decides to check out the biscuit. 5 min later johnny says to his dad, gee dad i fell crook. johnnys dad says you didnt eat that biscuit did you johnny?. he replies no dad i only at the cream.

spara
18-12-2007, 08:25 AM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain

that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have

some fun at the Glasgowcops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law,

Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't

give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shitter out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

:wink: :wink:

spara
18-12-2007, 08:44 AM
A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

spara
19-12-2007, 08:05 AM
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

spara
19-12-2007, 10:25 PM
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
'Not yet', said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk!

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half
way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says,

'You going to tell him, or should I?'

spara
20-12-2007, 07:38 PM
Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?"

And so began the tradition
of the little angel on top
of the Christmas tree.

Grizzly
20-12-2007, 11:15 PM
strike a light spara, how many jokes can one man know!!
Good work funny guy
ummm... sorry cant remember any jokes

spara
21-12-2007, 11:38 PM
Grizzly

I could give you many more but I wont use Racist or filthy ones on this forum.........

spara
24-12-2007, 11:02 AM
Old Harold

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ..... in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold................

jeff s
31-12-2007, 01:38 PM
Willie is sitting in the pub when overcome by the drink he has consumed he is sick all over himself.

Willie comments to his mate Fred.
'Oh christ, the wife is going to kill me as she warned me not to get into this state again'.

Fred tells Willie
'Dont worry about it mate, tell the wife it was me and that i was sick on your jumper by mistake. Infact take this $10 home to cover the cost of cleaning your jumper'.

Willie walks home and on entering the house he hears his wife scream
'Look at the f**king state of you'

Willie says
'Calm down woman it wasnt me it was Frank, he's in a right state. Look he has even given me $10 to clean my jumper'.

His wife takes the note from Willie and comments
'Willie, Frank has given you a $20 note'.

Willie replies
'I know, he has also shat my pants'.


language edit - pradogxlv6 mod

jeff s
31-12-2007, 01:42 PM
Tampax have announced the release of a special-christmas edition tampon, with the string replaced with tinsel.





Only available for the Christmas period.





ready on the delete button........ :roll:

jeff s
31-12-2007, 01:46 PM
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you
doing?'



Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!' The nurse
wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest.'



That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo
replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in
Melbourne'.

spara
03-01-2008, 12:24 AM
Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?")"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm
sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all
the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you
with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven't even touched you,"
says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For
all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think .

jeff s
03-01-2008, 02:08 AM
:shock: :lol: :lol:
good one spara

spara
04-01-2008, 10:08 PM
Weight Loss Programme

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day/5kg. weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg. as promised.



He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful and sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!



This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 10 kg. as promised.



He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."



The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine..."

spara
04-01-2008, 10:11 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else
via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe
out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Chippy
05-01-2008, 09:43 PM
Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Mozambique, is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motor-cyclists that use the out-of-doors in an recreational or work-related function to take extra precautions when in the bush.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "pepper spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub crap and big lion crap. Lion cub crap is smaller and contains lots of berries and small animal fur. Big lion crap has bells in it and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay.

Mozambique.

11-01-2008, 01:22 AM
I parked in an disabled space last tuesday .....

i got out of the car , and the parking inspector shouted at me " HEY WHATS YOUR DISABILITY ? "

- EDITED DUE TO BAD LANGUAGE - NOT REQ ON THE FORUM THANKS - Pradogxlv6


honestly guys , this is the most sensible forum i have ever been a member of ... excuse the language (it will maybe be scrubbed) but its also the funniest joke i have hear in a long time :D

EDIT: yes it got scrubbed ... but i bet my prado that YOU laughed your ass off before you scrubbed it Pradogxlv6 :D

Jon
11-01-2008, 09:23 AM
Blind salesman



A woman goes into Myers to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one
and goes over to the counter.

The Myers salesman is standing there, wearing dark
shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll
drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod
with a Zebco 404 reel and ProFishional reel cover. It's a good all
around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just
by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa Card, "he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed

but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman

could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't
you tell me It was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3:50

Jon
11-01-2008, 09:43 PM
Subject: Quick personality test....which one are you?







T here is a very , very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:

King Kong, Ape, Orang-utan and a Monkey pass by.

They have a competition to see Who is the fastest to get the banana.
Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30
seconds

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.
























If your answer is ........


Orang-utan = dull/stupid

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid



Why ?????
Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas .................??
It's obvious you're stressed by your work. Go home!

spara
11-01-2008, 11:03 PM
When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the other is the husband.

spara
12-01-2008, 01:38 AM
How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gyneacologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food and maybe beer


...and people wonder why men and women are so different.

Cheers!

Grandeman
12-01-2008, 05:42 AM
Nice work Spara

Obviously, in the interests of saving space, you have used the short-form list of what a man needs to be/do to keep a woman happy. :D

spara
14-01-2008, 06:33 PM
A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my genitals inside and the crocodile will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the crocodile's mouth. The crocodile closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

The crocodile opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer bottle."

spara
14-01-2008, 06:36 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service

Megalania
14-01-2008, 09:15 PM
Apologies if this has been posted before:

http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h202/Megalania/pic25249.gif

Hopefully not too offensive!

:)

jeff s
15-01-2008, 12:53 AM
:lol: :lol:
Never saw that and it was right in my face all this time.

Ill re-phrase that.... :shock:

spara
15-01-2008, 07:11 AM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.

"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and they enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"




"She just died and left me everything."

spara
15-01-2008, 07:24 AM
Thinning The Herd 2007 - Darwin Awards

Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE 2007 WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The she sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."Shit happens!"

Big Fella
15-01-2008, 10:19 AM
When in New York, Kevin Rudd
would always visit his favourite strip joint.
(He said it helped him forget things.)

But, every time he walked in, one of the girls would call out
"Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"

"Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.

Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl
became a bit of a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!"
and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"

Then, on one recent visit to New York,
Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to his favourite strip joint.

As they approached the place, Rudd braced himself for "the usual offer" --
Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for her.

As he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes.
But -- sure enough -- as they entered, the girl yelled out.


"See! That's what you get for five bucks!"

Big Fella
15-01-2008, 10:52 AM
MAORI CLOCK

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of
friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom
where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friend's asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock" he drunkenly replied.

"A talking Maori clock - seriously?"
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just watch" he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and
stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a
moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For
f*#k's sake, you stupid coconut ... it's ten past three in the f*#king
morning !!!"

Big Fella
15-01-2008, 10:53 AM
Three contractors . . . one from Greece, another from Tasmania and the
third from Sydney are bidding to repair the Parliament House fence.

They go with a Parliament House official to examine the fence.

The Sydney contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $900 . . . $400 for
materials, $400 for labor and $100 profit for me."

The Tasmanian contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says,

"I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The Greek contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
Parliament House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says,

"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"

"Easy" the Greek explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire
the guy from Tasmania to do the work."

spara
15-01-2008, 01:25 PM
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

spara
15-01-2008, 07:48 PM
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/cid_001e01c856a8490863000200000a4Ob.gif

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not bad eh!

spara
15-01-2008, 08:12 PM
New Wine for Seniors
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/winepic.jpg

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

spara
16-01-2008, 10:19 AM
Moderators please remove if deemed inappropriate !!!!

MEDIA RELEASE - From the International Cricket Council for immediate release (especially in India).

The ICC has announced several changes to the playing conditions for the forthcoming 3rd test in Perth between Australia and India. These changes include:

* India must win.

* The umpires shall be nominated by the Indian team. It will be acceptable if reserve Indian players rotate as umpires.

* During the game all appeals shall be referred to the Indian management team and the Indian media contingent prior to any decision being made. (This includes where an Indian player may appear, to the naked eye, to have been bowled.)

* When the Indian team is batting the boundary rope shall be moved inwards 20 metres.

* Australian bowlers shall bowl under arm.

* India must win.

* Any time Ricky Ponting is on the field he shall be restrained in a full length strait jacket and muzzled.

* Any Australian spin bowler must advise the batsman in advance what type of delivery is going to be bowled.

* At any time Andrew Symons is on the field he must wear a gorilla suit and accept any sledging in the light hearted manner that this is intended.

* India must win.

* Harbhajan Singh will be cleared on appeal and be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Indian batsman may be permitted to use larger bats.

* Australian batsmen may use a bat every fifth over.

* Australian fieldsman should praise every batting attempt by the Indians by saying "Good shot chaps." Apart from this Australian players are not permitted to speak.

* During the lunch and tea break both teams shall get together and have a cup of tea.

* India must win. The ICC and the BCCI hope that all Australians will understand these minor changes are intended in the best interest of the game.

The ICC would also like to announce that Steve Bucknor has been appointed as the ICC's new cricketing ambassador to Kazikstan. The ICC wishes Steve all the best in this important, newly created role.

RIP International Cricket

Chippy
16-01-2008, 10:40 AM
Ageing humour

_______________________________

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
__________________________________________________ __________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
__________________________________________________ ___________

I've sure gotten old! I fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 62 or 92.
Have lost most my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
__________________________________________________ __________

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
__________________________________________________ __________

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
__________________________________________________ __________

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
__________________________________________________ _________

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
__________________________________________________ __________

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
__________________________________________________ __________

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
__________________________________________________ __________

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
__________________________________________________ ___________



Cheers
Chippy

Big Fella
16-01-2008, 08:16 PM
This is why women should not take men shopping
against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton
insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to K-Mart. Unfortunately,
Mr. Fenton was like
most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out
..Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most
women-she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following
letter from her local
K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may
be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put
a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him, he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone ?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced
his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper
in here!'


Regards,
K-Mart

Chuck
16-01-2008, 09:12 PM
Oil crisis




A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin
and
North-West Continental Shelf
~~~


Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Canberra!!!

Any Questions ???
NO?
I didn't Think So.

spara
17-01-2008, 05:29 PM
Caution... They Walk Among Us!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where???'


While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'



My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.



I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kgr.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...



While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.

spara
17-01-2008, 09:51 PM
GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING



DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE-GUM !!




http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/bubblegum.jpg

spara
17-01-2008, 09:53 PM
Good Housekeeping Tip
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/oldlady.jpg
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel .... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

spara
17-01-2008, 11:28 PM
WHO CARES HOW OLD YOU ARE,


LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST...

http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff221/spara314/noagelimit.gif

'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a

well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,

totally worn out, shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '

plucker
18-01-2008, 10:27 PM
A bloke comes home from a hard days work and sits down in front of the telly. He yells to his wife, "Quick get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sympathises and gets the beer.
Not long after the bloke has finished his beer and yells out again, "Quick get me a beer before it starts."
The wife does so with agitation.
Shortly after, the bloke once again yells, "Quick get me a beer before it starts."
The wife is now furious and comes out yelling that she has been cooking and cleaning all day, washing and ironing, looking after thier kids and is now trying to cook the meal and if he wants a beer he can get off his fat arse and get it himself.




Which he replies, "Oh shit, it's started already."

spara
18-01-2008, 11:59 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDer AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said
'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,
'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot
them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

spara
19-01-2008, 10:40 PM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.

spara
19-01-2008, 10:41 PM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.

Jon
20-01-2008, 02:09 PM
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two blokes were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Bazza said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

---------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a dollar or two myself."

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Virgin Air and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Sydney to Adelaiade ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

Chuck
20-01-2008, 06:26 PM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'


So he tied her up and went golfing.

Chuck
21-01-2008, 05:28 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses' in the phone book.

Jon
21-01-2008, 06:01 PM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.


He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.


The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'


At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.


The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.


Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'


I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Jon
21-01-2008, 06:03 PM
An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Jon
21-01-2008, 06:06 PM
ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?



I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN

PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS

spara
24-01-2008, 11:38 PM
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her and, calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story...!!!! ?

Jon
25-01-2008, 08:46 AM
DIARY OF A MOUNT ISA SUMMER

For anybody ever thinking of moving to Aussie to live.
.
August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the
veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
.
September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home,
drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
.
September 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of
palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
.
October 20th
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen
up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather
upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes
and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
.
October 25th
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
.
October 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000
House and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
.
November 4th
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity
makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman!
I hate this stupid place!!
.
November 8th
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going
to throttle him. F* ! By the time I get to work the
car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin wet, and I
smell like baked cat!!
.
November 9th
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost
2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my
a*se. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se, and baked cat.
.
November 10th
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and
sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything
for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing
will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into
the pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.
.
November 14th
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 44 today. Now the air-conditioner's
gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my
arse out of jail for assulting the stupid f*. F* Mount Isa! What kind
of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
.
December 1st
WHAT????? This is the first day of summer???? You are
kiddin!!

Chuck
25-01-2008, 11:37 PM
Read the same story only it was Karratha. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

spara
27-01-2008, 08:48 PM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent
for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled
back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer
in, to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician..

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba
with them two assholes. "

spara
27-01-2008, 08:50 PM
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Japan
28-01-2008, 06:06 AM
NATAL CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3(Frank) -- Holy sh.t, what the he.l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3-- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.


CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1-- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2-- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh.t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.


CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1-- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1-- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

Jon
28-01-2008, 12:46 PM
The Flight Crew











The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."




Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"



When the attendant came by with the drink cart, he said



"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"













"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."






"It's The Box Office."