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  • the crossroads






    A little boy, about six years old, was walking down a dirt road
    after church one Sunday when he came to a crossroad where he met a
    little girl coming from another direction. "Hello," said the little boy.

    Hi," replied the little girl. "
    Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

    "I'm on my way home from church," answered the little girl.

    "Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm on my way home from church.

    Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

    "I go to the Lutheran church down the road," replied the little girl.
    "What about you?"


    "I go to the Catholic church at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

    They discovered that they were both going the same way so they decided
    to walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains
    had partially flooded the road. There was no way that they could pass
    without getting wet.

    "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

    "My Mom will tan my hide if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the
    little boy.

    "I know what I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my
    clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

    "That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same
    thing with my suit."

    So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
    getting their clothes wet. As they stood there in the sun waiting to

    drip dry before putting their clothes back on, the little boy finally

    remarked, "You know, I never realized how much difference there

    is between a Lutheran and a Catholic."
    Spara

    'Early to bed and early to rise --
    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

    Comment





    • It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

      As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

      He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

      "Heavens no, we bought it."

      "Then why don't you drive it away."

      "We can't drive."

      "Then why did you buy it?"

      "We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.



      Cheers
      Chippy

      Comment


      • A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

        The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

        The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

        'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
        Spara

        'Early to bed and early to rise --
        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

        Comment


        • I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

          A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
          birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
          On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made
          her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme
          park.

          What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:

          * The Death Slide
          * The Wall of Fear
          * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster


          Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
          Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away
          they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a
          Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
          Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars
          epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms What a fabulous adventure!
          Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
          collapsed onto the bed exhausted . He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being
          eight again?"
          Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
          changed .


          I meant my dress size, you ****ing idiot"


          The moral of this story : Even when a man is
          listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
          Spara

          'Early to bed and early to rise --
          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

          Comment


          • WOMEN'S ENGLISH

            1. Yes = No

            2. No = Yes

            3. Maybe = No

            4. We need... = I want.

            5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

            6. We need to talk = I need to complain

            7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

            8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

            9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

            10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

            11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

            12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

            13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

            14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

            15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

            16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

            17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

            18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like



            MEN'S ENGLISH

            1. I am hungry = I am hungry

            2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

            3. I am tired = I am tired

            4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

            5. I love you = Let's have sex now

            6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

            7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

            8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

            9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

            10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

            11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

            12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

            13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins

            14.Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

            15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay



            Cheers
            Chippy

            Comment


            • The real story of the 3 bears

              Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars

              Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....

              I HAVEN'T MADE THE @!#$*@! PORRIDGE YET !!
              Spara

              'Early to bed and early to rise --
              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

              Comment


              • A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

                Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her

                purse and tries to write with it.

                She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat

                says,"Well! That's great..........that's really great.......... some

                ar*ehole's got my pen."
                LES
                [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/index1.htm]Brisbane 4Wd Club Inc[/url]
                [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/images/avatars/mystuff.htm]MY STUFF[/url]

                Comment


                • Bill and Tom

                  Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

                  One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

                  Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

                  Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

                  The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

                  Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

                  Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

                  Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

                  The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

                  And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

                  Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

                  The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead'

                  Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'

                  'No,' says the nurse,
                  'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated’
                  06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

                  Comment


                  • They Have computers here now

                    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
                    Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
                    So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
                    The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
                    However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
                    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
                    The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his Mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

                    To: My Loving Wife

                    Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

                    Subject: I have arrived!

                    Dearest Love:

                    I know you are surprised to hear from me.

                    They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing You then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

                    P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
                    06 GXL D4D, 6spd, Snorkel, ARB bar, XS900 50w HID lights, 55W HID Headlight upgrades, T/bar, 7" GPS, QStarz data logger, 52L Bushman Fridge, Premier winch, Sandgrabbas, GME TX3440, AE4705 antenna, Scangauge II, Dual Batteries, Aero bars & rack, Drawers, 2" Ironman/Rancho/King lift, Under bonnet compressor, Black ducks, Voltage booster, Rear table, AVE TPMS,

                    Comment


                    • Subject: BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW

                      January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

                      February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
                      labels....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

                      March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
                      months....box said '2-4 years!'

                      April - Trapped on escalator for hours ...power went out!!!

                      May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of
                      water won't fit into those little packets!!!

                      June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
                      slope.

                      July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
                      other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

                      August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
                      because soft-top was open.

                      September - The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

                      October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

                      November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour per
                      pound and I weigh 108!!!

                      December - Couldn't call 911.....'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button
                      on the stupid phone!!!

                      What a year!!
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES


                        1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
                        2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
                        3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
                        4. Then analyze the situation:
                        .................................................. .................................................. .......
                        a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

                        b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

                        c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
                        Engineering.

                        d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
                        Planning.

                        e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

                        f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

                        g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
                        Technology.

                        h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

                        i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
                        for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

                        j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

                        k . If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

                        l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
                        moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management
                        Spara

                        'Early to bed and early to rise --
                        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                        Comment


                        • Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
                          afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
                          thinking. "Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first
                          person to tell me who said that quote,can have Monday off" said the teacher.

                          "Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be That is the
                          question," asked the teacher. Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the
                          class called out, "Shakespeare". "Well done!" said the teacher, "You can
                          have Monday off "No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in
                          our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying
                          hard," said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. "Well okay," said the teacher.

                          The next quote is, "I had a dream!" Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front
                          yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!" "Well done!" said the
                          teacher. "You can have Monday off" "No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese
                          oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to
                          us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,"
                          said little Fri Sum Kat. "Okay," said the teacher.

                          Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "****ing > Asians!"
                          "Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone. "Pauline Hanson!"
                          yelled little Johnny."Seeya Tuesday!!!!
                          Spara

                          'Early to bed and early to rise --
                          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                          Comment


                          • -THE BLONDE PAINTER

                            This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
                            these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as
                            stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
                            smart.

                            While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
                            going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

                            The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she
                            gets down to the task at hand.

                            Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
                            smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife
                            lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
                            wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He
                            goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
                            what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him
                            that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by
                            painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her
                            leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on
                            the paint can and it said . . .









                            You'll love this . . .









                            Yep... I know you will . . .











                            "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
                            Spara

                            'Early to bed and early to rise --
                            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                            Comment


                            • A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
                              Want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

                              The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
                              Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
                              Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?"

                              "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
                              Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
                              Crisp bacon."

                              "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
                              Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

                              The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

                              She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
                              Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"


                              FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
                              Spara

                              'Early to bed and early to rise --
                              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                              Comment


                              • A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

                                On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

                                A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

                                The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

                                The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

                                She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.

                                Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

                                The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

                                He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

                                "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

                                The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted bythe smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

                                The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
                                LES
                                [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/index1.htm]Brisbane 4Wd Club Inc[/url]
                                [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/images/avatars/mystuff.htm]MY STUFF[/url]

                                Comment

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