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  • RECTUM DEODORANT,
    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
    deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
    don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

    Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
    stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

    "But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

    "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

    "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
    container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

    "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........







    "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
    Spara

    'Early to bed and early to rise --
    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

    Comment


    • Subject: FW: Tarzan and Jane




      When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
      Him and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he
      had sex.
      "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
      Jane explained to him what sex was.
      Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
      Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
      show you how to do it properly."
      She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she
      said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
      Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
      manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
      Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
      Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did
      You do that for?!"
      Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
      Spara

      'Early to bed and early to rise --
      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

      Comment


      • The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

        Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
        A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

        Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
        A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

        Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
        A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

        Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
        A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

        Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
        A: What did your last slave die of?

        Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
        A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

        Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
        A: Face South and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

        Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
        A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

        Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
        A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

        Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
        A: You are a British politician, right?

        Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
        A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

        Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
        A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

        Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. USA)
        A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

        Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
        A: No, we don't stink.

        Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? USA)
        A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

        Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
        A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

        Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
        A: Only at Christmas.

        Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
        A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

        Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
        A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

        Comment


        • Fw: A Virgin Dies

          In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
          Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to
          make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the
          town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to
          make the proper "final" arrangements.

          As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the
          following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
          "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
          Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
          funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone
          that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the
          tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

          He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's
          final request, considering the very limited space available on the small
          piece of stone.

          For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a
          postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
          appropriate solution to the problem.

          The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
          read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED"
          Spara

          'Early to bed and early to rise --
          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

          Comment


          • image removed by matt - not appropriate for this forum

            Comment


            • now I know where to come for my daily groan....
              :lol:
              Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
              W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

              Comment


              • Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
                important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

                Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

                Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


                ******

                Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
                first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
                The man said, "I do, Father."

                The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

                Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

                "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

                "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

                Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
                to heaven?"

                O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

                The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
                when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

                O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
                group together to go right now."

                ******

                Paddy was in New York
                He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
                crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
                pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

                He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

                After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy
                went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
                across?"

                ************

                Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
                Finney.

                "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

                "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


                *******************************

                An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
                speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
                breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

                He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

                "Just water," says the priest.

                The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

                The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
                again!"
                Spara

                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                Comment


                • Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
                  stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

                  "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

                  "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
                  knees.

                  "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

                  She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



                  *************************



                  Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
                  buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

                  He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
                  upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught
                  himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
                  on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
                  landing especially painful.

                  Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
                  looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

                  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
                  Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

                  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
                  stumbled his way to bed.

                  In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
                  butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

                  She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

                  Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

                  "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
                  broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
                  blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
                  mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
                  Spara

                  'Early to bed and early to rise --
                  Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                  Comment


                  • An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

                    As he gets up a 7 year old kid, sitting nearby, says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick it wouldn't slip."

                    The old man snaps back, "Well if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago I would have a seat today."

                    Cheers
                    Chippy

                    Comment


                    • Three old men were sitting on the porch at the retirement home. The first says, "Guys, I have real problems. I'm 70 years old. Every morning at 7 o'clock I get up and try to pee. All day long I try to pee. They give me all kinds of medicines but nothing helps."

                      The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm 80 years old. Every morning at 8 o'clock I get up and try to poo. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of medicines but nothing helps."

                      Finally, the third old man speaks up. "Guys, I'm 90 years old. Every morning at 7 o'clock I pee. Every morning at 8 o'clock I poo. And every morning, bang on 9 o'clock, I wake up."

                      Cheers
                      Chippy

                      Comment


                      • Senior citizens at a retirement home are exchanging notes on their ailments.
                        "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
                        "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
                        "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
                        "My blood pressure tablets make me dizzy."
                        "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
                        "Well, its not all that bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."

                        Cheers
                        Chippy

                        Comment


                        • Gotta Love Old Men

                          Overheard at Chadstone the other day by a customer
                          eating at the food Court and he noticed an old man watching a teenager
                          sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
                          colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

                          "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
                          The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
                          Spara

                          'Early to bed and early to rise --
                          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                          Comment


                          • Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are Asleep.
                            Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.
                            "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
                            Robin replies," I see millions of stars."
                            "What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
                            Robin ponders for a minute.
                            "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
                            And potentially billions of planets.
                            Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
                            Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
                            Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
                            Insignificant.
                            Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day today.
                            What does it tell you, Batman?"



                            Batman is silent for a moment, and then speaks:



                            "Robin, you #@#@#& idiot, it tells me someone has stolen our tent."
                            Spara

                            'Early to bed and early to rise --
                            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                            Comment


                            • The Hotel Bill

                              Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
                              consider this..........
                              A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston
                              After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
                              continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
                              They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
                              But they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
                              Road.

                              When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a Bill
                              for $350.00.
                              The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
                              He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly
                              aren't worth $350.00.
                              When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
                              on speaking to the Manager.

                              The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
                              Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
                              available for the husband and wife to use.
                              But we didn't use them," the man complains.
                              "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
                              He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
                              which the hotel is famous. "The best Entertainers from New York,
                              Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
                              "But we didn't go to any of those shows,"complains the man again.
                              "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.


                              No matter what Amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But
                              We didn't use it!"
                              The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
                              pay.
                              He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.


                              The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he
                              says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
                              That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with
                              my wife."
                              But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

                              Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have
                              Spara

                              'Early to bed and early to rise --
                              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                              Comment


                              • HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

                                I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
                                understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
                                I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
                                and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
                                "NO!" the children answered.
                                "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
                                everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
                                Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey,
                                this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all
                                the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
                                I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
                                I was just bursting with pride for them.
                                Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
                                A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F***IN' DEAD!
                                Spara

                                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                                Comment

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