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  • #76
    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
    sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
    The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you to
    come in today. Look, when I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell
    her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.
    You try that."
    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel
    great. I be work soon.....Oh. you got nice house, Boss."

    Comment


    • #77
      Message

      Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the classfor an example of a "tragedy".

      One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
      that would be a 'tragedy'"." No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."
      A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove
      over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

      "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."The room went silent. No other children volunteered. John searched the room.

      "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
      Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Howard was
      struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right.
      And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

      "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
      be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f****g accident either."
      Spara

      'Early to bed and early to rise --
      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

      Comment


      • #78


        Cheers
        Chippy

        Comment


        • #79
          Choosing a Wife


          A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

          The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

          The man was impressed.

          The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

          Again, the man is impressed.

          The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

          Obviously, the man was impressed.

          The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




          Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.






          Men are like that, you know.
          Spara

          'Early to bed and early to rise --
          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

          Comment


          • #80
            Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

            "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
            unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
            Any comments?"

            His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .whether you're here or not"
            Spara

            'Early to bed and early to rise --
            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

            Comment


            • #81
              Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

              The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

              "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
              Spara

              'Early to bed and early to rise --
              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

              Comment


              • #82
                A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
                next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

                Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew
                she would find it.

                The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
                hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

                Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
                Spara

                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                Comment


                • #83
                  10 Things that men know about woman:

                  1.
                  2.
                  3.
                  4.
                  5.
                  6.
                  7.
                  8.
                  9.
                  10.

                  Cheers
                  Chippy

                  Comment


                  • #84
                    10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

                    1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

                    2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

                    3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

                    4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

                    5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

                    6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

                    7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

                    8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

                    9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

                    10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

                    Cheers
                    Chippy

                    Comment


                    • #85
                      An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
                      Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
                      Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
                      Older Woman: Oh, I see.
                      Officer: Can I see your license please?
                      Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
                      Officer: Don't have one?
                      Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
                      Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
                      Older Woman: I can't do that.
                      Officer: Why not?
                      Older Woman: I stole this car.
                      Officer: Stole it?
                      Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
                      Officer: You what?
                      Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
                      The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
                      A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
                      Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
                      Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
                      Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
                      Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
                      Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
                      The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
                      Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
                      Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
                      The officer is quite stunned.
                      Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
                      The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
                      The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
                      Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

                      Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • #86
                        Australian Idiot Thieves
                        These are supposedly true!

                        CAMPBELLTOWN - NSW

                        As a female shopper exited the Campbelltown K-Mart in Queen St, a man grabbed her purse and ran.

                        A shop assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the thief.

                        Within minutes the Police had apprehended the snatcher who was trying to mingle in the shopping in the shopping crowd on Queen Street.

                        They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID, to which he replied "Yes officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from!!"

                        WOLLONGONG IDIOT

                        A man walked in to a 7-11 Convenience store and put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.

                        When the clerk opened the cash register, the man pulled a gun and demanded all the cash in the cash register, which the clerk promptly provided.

                        The man took the cash and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.

                        The total amount of the cash that he got from the register was $15

                        BROOKVALE IDIOT

                        The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked in to the Brookvale McDonalds at 8.50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash.

                        The clerk turned him down because she said that she couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

                        when the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said that they weren't available until 10.30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer.

                        Frustrated the thief walked away!!

                        PORT MACQUARIE IDIOT

                        When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got more than he bargained for.

                        Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up on the ground next to the motor home surrounded with spilled sewage.

                        A Police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

                        He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking up the hose.

                        The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh that he has ever had!!

                        ADELAIDE IDIOTS

                        Two men tried to pull the front of an ATM Cash Machine in Adelaide's Henley street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Land Cruiser 4WD.

                        However instead of pulling the front panel of the ATM they pulled the bumper of their 4WD.

                        Scared and beginning to attract attention from the oncoming traffic, they left the scene and drove home with the chain still attached to the ATM, their bumper still attached to the chain and you guessed it, their vehicle registration plate still attached to the bumper.

                        AND NO they did not use a stolen car!!

                        ************************************************** *******************

                        !!! HELP THEY ARE OUT THERE AND BREEDING !!!

                        If You Jumped Into These Guys Gene Pool You Would Not Even Get Your Feet Wet!!!

                        Comment


                        • #87
                          What are cats?

                          Cats do what they want, when they want.
                          They rarely listen to you.
                          They're totally unpredictable.
                          They whine when they are not happy.
                          When you want to play they want to be left alone.
                          When you want to be alone, they want to play.
                          They expect you to cater to their every whim.
                          They're moody.
                          They leave their hair everywhere.
                          They drive you nuts.

                          Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

                          Comment


                          • #88
                            Handle every situation like a dog.
                            If you can't eat it or hump it.
                            Piss on it and walk away!

                            Comment


                            • #89
                              A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.
                              The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new
                              parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
                              The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
                              When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
                              husband obviously very depressed.
                              "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.
                              "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
                              sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
                              The Reverend asked him what happened.
                              "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain
                              through sheer willpower.
                              The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
                              abstain "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
                              One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
                              When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my
                              way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
                              "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
                              stated the Reverend. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head.







                              "We're not welcome at "Bunnings" either
                              Spara

                              'Early to bed and early to rise --
                              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                              Comment


                              • #90
                                ALL PUNS INTENDED

                                1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
                                married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
                                was excellent.

                                2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
                                says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

                                3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

                                4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

                                5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
                                his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the
                                road."

                                6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
                                other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

                                7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
                                of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is
                                it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

                                8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
                                field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
                                inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you ,"
                                says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

                                9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
                                kids were nothing to look at either.

                                10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
                                before.

                                11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
                                day, but I couldn't find any.

                                12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
                                accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
                                my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
                                I've cut off your arms!"

                                13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
                                mussel.

                                14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

                                15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
                                to the other and says, "Dam!"

                                16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
                                they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
                                proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
                                heat it too.

                                17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
                                and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
                                tournament victories. After about an hour, the
                                manager came out of the office, and asked them to
                                disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
                                "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
                                in an open foyer."

                                18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
                                One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
                                "Ahmal" The other goes to a family in Spain; they
                                name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
                                himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
                                picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
                                also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
                                "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
                                Ahmal."

                                19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
                                of the time, which produced an impressive set of
                                calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, whi ch
                                made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
                                suffered from bad breath. This made him.... A super-calloused
                                fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

                                20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
                                different puns to his friends, with the hope that at
                                least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun
                                in ten did.
                                Spara

                                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                                Comment

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