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  • #61
    One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
    They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
    On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
    "It was great, Dad."
    "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
    "Oh yeah," said the son.
    "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
    The son answered:
    "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
    We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
    We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
    Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
    We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
    We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
    We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
    We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
    The boy's father was speechless.
    Then his son added,? "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
    Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
    Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

    "Life is too short and friends are too few."
    Spara

    'Early to bed and early to rise --
    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

    Comment


    • #62
      The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.

      Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

      A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


      Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

      A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


      Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?

      (Sweden)

      A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


      Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

      A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


      Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

      A: What did your last slave die of?


      Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

      A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


      Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

      A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


      Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

      A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


      Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

      A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


      Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

      A: You're a British politician, right?


      Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?

      (Germany)

      A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


      Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

      A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


      Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

      A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


      Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

      A: No, WE don't stink.


      Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

      A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


      Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

      A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


      Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

      A: Only at Christmas.


      Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

      A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


      Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

      A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
      Spara

      'Early to bed and early to rise --
      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

      Comment


      • #63
        Q: What's big, red & throbbing and looks great between a girl's legs?

        A: A Ducati Superbike

        Comment


        • #64
          Q: What do you have when you've got 100 politicans up to their necks in sand?

          A: Not enough sand...

          Comment


          • #65
            A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
            At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
            they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

            They hear a faint moan.

            They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

            She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

            A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony
            the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

            As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the bloody wall!"

            Comment


            • #66
              Dating in 1957...


              It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy
              Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
              When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites
              Him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says, "That's cool." Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
              Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.
              Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
              I hear all of the kids are doing it."
              Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
              "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "we know that Peggy Sue really
              Likes to screw, why she'd screw all night if we let her!"
              Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he
              has revised the plans for the evening.
              A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
              Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
              front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small
              wink for Bobby.
              About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes
              back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her
              father:



              "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!!!!"
              Spara

              'Early to bed and early to rise --
              Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

              Comment


              • #67
                A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
                A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
                Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
                puzzled.
                Just as he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
                He zipped up and finished his shopping.
                At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He figured he would have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"
                The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
                said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
                couple of old duffel bags."
                Spara

                'Early to bed and early to rise --
                Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                Comment


                • #68
                  An example of an effective way to change
                  peoples behaviours. In this case it was within the School
                  environment. If you know the cause, new effective solutions can address the problem!!!!!

                  --------------------------------------

                  According to a news report, Golden Grove high school was recently faced with a unique problem.

                  A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
                  put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
                  lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
                  little lip prints.

                  Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

                  Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

                  She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
                  maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
                  major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
                  night.

                  To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
                  asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
                  required.

                  He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
                  cleaned the mirror with it.

                  Priceless!

                  Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

                  There are teachers....and then there are educators!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                  Spara

                  'Early to bed and early to rise --
                  Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
                    Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

                    The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

                    Cheers
                    Chippy

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Subject: It's easier!!!
                      A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
                      The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
                      The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
                      to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
                      of something that would honor and glorify me."
                      The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
                      that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
                      what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
                      what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this
                      wonderful woman truly happy."

                      The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

                        The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

                        The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

                        Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

                        The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

                        Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

                        Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

                        The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
                        "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

                        Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

                        The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

                        Bob took the money......
                        Spara

                        'Early to bed and early to rise --
                        Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          "I know everyone"

                          Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
                          there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
                          Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about
                          Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
                          So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
                          door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You
                          and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
                          Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
                          Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise
                          was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
                          "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I
                          know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the
                          White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his
                          boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
                          meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
                          coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
                          After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
                          Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his
                          boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've
                          known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
                          Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square
                          when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye
                          among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let
                          me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
                          And he disappears in the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure
                          enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
                          Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"
                          His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
                          came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f&*'s
                          that on the balcony with Colin?"
                          Spara

                          'Early to bed and early to rise --
                          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
                            Paddy: Seven!

                            Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
                            Paddy: Seven!

                            Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
                            Paddy: Six.

                            Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
                            Paddy: Seven!

                            Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
                            Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

                            Cheers
                            Chippy

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              Driving to work in heavy stop start traffic I didn't notice that the vehicle
                              in front of me had come to a stop.

                              I just touched the rear bumper of the vehicle and was trying my best to apologise when the other driver climbs out of his 4wd.

                              It was right then that I noticed he was a dwarf .He walked back to my car and knocked on my window,so I rolled down the window only to hear him scream "I'm not f@%#^$g happy!"

                              So I screamed at him "Well which f@^#%$g one are you then?''

                              It was all I could think of at the time

                              Cheers
                              Chippy

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his friend's life, the chicken began to think. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

                                Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Prado. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend the horse. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny Prado, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's 4WD, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful vehicle, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the Prado back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

                                The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

                                A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "Doodle" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



                                The moral of the story? . . . . . When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Prado to pick up chicks.


                                Cheers
                                Chippy

                                Comment

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