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  • #46
    A man's wife was continually complaining about having small breasts. Eventually tiring of hearing it, he suggested "Why don't you try rubbing toilet paper between them?"

    The wife looking at him, puzzled "What on earth are you talking about? How is toilet paper going to make my breasts bigger?"

    The husband replied "Well, it worked for your ar....."

    He never got to finish his sentence.

    Comment


    • #47
      A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
      other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
      Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
      sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he
      in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

      At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

      "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
      the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

      "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
      that we're married."

      "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

      "Good," she replied. "Get your own f---ing blanket!"

      After a moment of silence, he farted
      Spara

      'Early to bed and early to rise --
      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

      Comment


      • #48
        Dad parks his Prado outside a chemist and goes inside with son.

        Standing to be served, the young son spots a packet of two condoms on the shelf.

        The boys says "Dad...what are they for?"

        Dad thinks quick "Ther'e for hilux owners son.....one for friday night...one for saturday night"

        The boy points to a packet of FOUR condoms..."What are they for dad?"

        "Son ther'e for prado owners....two for friday night...two for saturday night!"

        The son is on a roll....points to the big box of twelve condoms...."What about the big box Dad.....whats the big box for?" he asks.

        "ahhh.....son...there for Patrol owners...1 for January....1 for February...."
        LES
        [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/index1.htm]Brisbane 4Wd Club Inc[/url]
        [url=http://www.brisbane4wdclub.org/images/avatars/mystuff.htm]MY STUFF[/url]

        Comment


        • #49
          For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
          way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer
          expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
          with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology
          like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars
          that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
          In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
          stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
          be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love
          this part):

          1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

          2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
          buy a new car.

          3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
          would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
          shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
          continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

          4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
          your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
          have to reinstall the engine.

          5. Macintosh! would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
          reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
          run on only five percent of the roads.

          6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
          all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
          warning light.

          7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. Now
          that's a LULU!

          8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
          out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
          handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

          9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
          learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
          operate in the same manner as the old car.

          10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
          Has that got something to do with "gates"?
          Spara

          'Early to bed and early to rise --
          Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

          Comment


          • #50
            From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true
            story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
            Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
            tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
            intoxicated that he could barely walk.

            The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
            quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
            five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He
            was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
            and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
            off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
            tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

            He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
            remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

            At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
            the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
            started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
            the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

            To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
            intoxication.

            The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
            Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

            "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
            Spara

            'Early to bed and early to rise --
            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

            Comment


            • #51
              A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.

              He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored.

              One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.

              "Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area"

              "Sounds great" says the ad-man.

              "I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."

              "Sounds awesome" says the ad-man

              "we tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"

              "I go alright" say the ad-man "this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"

              "Doesn't really mattter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......


              Cheers
              Chippy

              Comment


              • #52
                The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

                However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

                Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

                A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

                " England will win the Rugby World Cup"

                "Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"


                Cheers
                Chippy

                Comment


                • #53
                  The 2007 Aussie Citizenship Test


                  1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
                  _____________________________ ______

                  2. What is a bloody little beauty?
                  _____________________________ ______

                  3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
                  _____________________________ ______

                  4. Explain the following passage:
                  "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
                  _____________________________ _____

                  5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
                  ___________________________

                  6. Complete the following sentences:
                  a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother .......
                  b) You're going home in the back of a .........
                  c) Fair crack of the...........
                  _____________________________ ____

                  7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
                  _____________________________ _____

                  8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
                  _____________________________ _____

                  13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
                  _____________________________ _____
                  15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
                  _____________________________ ____

                  18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  19. Who would you like to crack on to?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
                  _____________________________ _____

                  21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
                  _____________________________ ____

                  22. What does sinkin piss at a mate’s joint and gettin paralised mean?
                  _____________________________ ____

                  You may copy your mate’s answers, please submit this back to me when you have had a fair old crack.

                  The pass rate is 45%

                  Cheers
                  Chippy

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Eight Words with Two Meanings

                    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
                    Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
                    Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

                    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
                    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
                    Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

                    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
                    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
                    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

                    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
                    Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
                    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

                    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
                    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
                    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

                    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
                    Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
                    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

                    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
                    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
                    Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

                    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
                    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
                    Male... A device for scanning through all 25 channels 5 minutes.
                    Spara

                    'Early to bed and early to rise --
                    Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
                      in it.
                      She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


                      He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
                      She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
                      sit on the sofa and fart!

                      He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money
                      I gave you?
                      She said . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

                      He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
                      She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

                      He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
                      She said . . They don't have time

                      He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of
                      toilet paper?
                      She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

                      He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
                      caring and Good- looking?
                      She said ...... . .They already have boyfriends.

                      She said... What do you call a woman who knows where her
                      husband is every night?
                      He said . . . A widow.

                      He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
                      She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
                      and go to bed.
                      Married women come home, see what's in bed and go
                      to the fridge.
                      Spara

                      'Early to bed and early to rise --
                      Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        A blonde in Canada wanted to do a spot of ice fishing. So after getting all the right tools together, she headed towards the nearest frozen lake.

                        After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

                        Startled, the women moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
                        chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

                        This time quite scared, the women moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
                        She raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

                        The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''


                        Cheers
                        Chippy

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Why I fired my Secretary


                          Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

                          I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

                          As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

                          I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

                          My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

                          So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

                          As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "

                          It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

                          I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

                          I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

                          We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

                          She chose instead a quite bistro with a private table.

                          We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

                          On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

                          I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"

                          She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

                          After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

                          "Ok." I nervously replied.

                          She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

                          Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

                          And I just sat there...

                          On the couch...
                          ..
                          ..
                          ..
                          ..
                          ..
                          ..
                          Naked. ops: ops: ops:


                          Cheers
                          Chippy

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Chippy
                            Very good 10/10 i agree best one so far

                            well done
                            Spara

                            'Early to bed and early to rise --
                            Till you get enough money to do otherwise.'

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              Originally posted by Grandeman
                              What we'd really like to know was whether this actually happened to you, Chippy!!! ops: :shock:
                              The only way you'll get an answer to this is to ask my secretary.

                              Unfortunately she doesn't work here any more. :wink:

                              Cheers
                              Chippy

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                It really puts the "dick" back into "dictation" doesn't it? :shock:

                                Comment

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